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What it’s like to live life with a deceased suicide family member.

First things first although commonalities exist amongst people who have experienced a certain type of loss, individual grief is unique to the person experiencing it and their relationship with the person who died.  Although we can talk in averages and generalities, no article, grief theory, or set of symptoms will ever perfectly sum up your grief experience. Further, although you might be able to relate to aspects of another person’s grief (and vice versa), no one can completely understand how anyone else feels. With this in mind, we recommend you learn what you can from your commonalities with other grievers but take differences with a grain of salt.

Well, where do I start between 2018- 2019 I’ve experienced some of the hardest

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Shaun & Mellissa click me!

challenges to date throughout this year. I feel incredibly vulnerable and I know for sure my brother Michael does too! For this year alone he has lost first a daughter and 10 months later he’s lost a son both in a way, the same way to “mental health issues”. So yes there’s been a level of rawness and hopelessness throughout that I’ve not experienced before and seeing your brother go through so much is a pain like no other, it’s like you can feel every ounce of his pain it really has been like being in a horror movie that you can’t wake up from… and yes, its pain that no parent should ever have to go through. Mellissa and Shaun were their names both having left this earth plane leaving three beautiful children each behind.

Growing up was very strange for us younger siblings as we were the same age as our
nephews and nieces but it was a good strange because we got to grow up together, like a little team of best friends we were more like brothers and sisters more than us being aunt and uncles which is what we were meant to be, we would just tell people we were cousins in the earlier days. We went on so many missions and adventures and have so many good memories together, yes it was a friendship that created a tight bond and those bonds will never be broken and love will never get lost… life now is certainly not going to be the same without them, we were meant to grow old together. Yes, I’m crying and wiping my eyes as I write this… They were some of the nicest people you could have ever met so it’s very hard to understand WHY? and yes why is it always the best people

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Nephew & Niece’s with their Father

we never get the chance to say goodbye to properly or that have to just leave too early… Their absence will certainly be felt and they will be missed dearly every day.

I think cousins, nephews, and nieces are in a good position to do that because they’re one step removed from siblings anyway. I saw it written once that nobody understands your crazy family like cousins do, and I do think there’s some truth in that. I’ve not talked much about this before but I to have lost babies one would have been 22 anther 20 and another 18 now and that alone was heart-wrenching, but this is a different level of grief and I believe that there are many levels of grief but depending on each person affected everyone is different!.

I’ve also lost my mother to MND “motor nurone disease “another one of the worst diseases to ever have to watch in a loved one there’s just so much pain and suffering. We’ve also lost our father to ” coronary heart disease” and “prostate cancer” and lost many aunts and uncles and all our grandparents.

How can we talk about suicide…?

Although there are many fine points to this conversation, I simply want to impress the following upon you… When referring to an individual’s death from suicide…

Don’t say… “She committed suicide.”  Do say… “he’s killed himself” or “She died by suicide”

I know most of you are used to saying, “committed suicide” and you certainly aren’t alone. Many people in our society have yet to get this memo, but now you have. Please, the time has come for us to choose language around suicide that does not condemn or stigmatise the person who has died or those who love them and are left behind.

There are other traumatic loss risk factors associated with suicide such as feelings of blame, witnessing death, and finding the body.  Deaths that are also potentially traumatic events can result in the compounding and intertwining of trauma and grief responses. These may manifest as the following.

  • Recurrent intrusive thoughts about the death
  • Shattered assumptions about the world, oneself, and others
  • Fear and avoidance of grief and trauma emotions, thoughts, memories, etc.
  • Feelings of guilt and blame

When grieving a suicide death, one may experience…

The search for answers:

In the wake of death, people often seek to construct a meaningful narrative that helps them to find peace and understanding of what happened. So, it’s common to ask questions like “what if?”, “why?”, and “what’s the point?” Until the question of “why” can be answered, grieving family and friends may continue to search and ruminate.

After a suicide death, as with any other type of death, the bereaved may seek to make40104085_10214932548741074_8054645890117271552_n sense of what happened.  However, in this instance, they may find that many of their questions are either unanswerable or they lead to distressing conclusions (whether these conclusions are true or not). It is not uncommon for themes of personal blame to arise as the person questions their role in their loved one’s suicide and what they could have done to prevent their death. Unfortunately, the bereaved may vastly overestimate their own role and the role of others (i.e. what family and friends did or didn’t do), as opposed to blaming things like mental illness which is quite often present and to blame.

Whether rational or not, grieving family and friends may struggle with distressing thoughts like…

  • I never really knew him I mean really knew him.
  • She didn’t feel comfortable confiding in me what did I do wrong.
  • Oh no, he was in intense pain!
  • I’m to blame. I should have done more to prevent his death.
  • I’m to blame. I pushed him into the decision to kill himself.
  • She didn’t love me enough to live.
  • My family members are to blame.
  • It was his fault, or it was her fault.
  • Family Conflict

Family can be an incredible source of comfort and healing after a death…for some.  For others, family can be a source of distressing conflict and misunderstanding after a death. Regardless of the circumstances surrounding the death, things like complicated family dynamics, shifting roles, and different coping styles can test and challenge a family. After a suicide death, additional conflict may emerge because…

  • The deceased’s mental illness and suicidal behaviour created disruption and placed strain on the family as a whole.
  • Family members disagree about how they want to acknowledge the death publicly.
  • Family members disagree about how they want to discuss death privately within the family.
  • Different family members come up with different explanations for why their loved one killed him- or herself
  • Blame

Feelings of rejection and abandonment:

Evidence has shown that suicidally bereaved individuals experience higher levels of rejection compared with other bereaved groups. In grief, feelings of guilt, blame, regret, and rejection can be logical, but they can also defy all logic and reason. So even when it’s evident that the suicide was not an act of intentional abandonment, it still may feel that way to the people who grieve the death.

The truth of what it’s like being on the receiving end after they’ve left!

So here it is…This is the truth of being a bereaved parent, brother, sister, aunt, uncle, cousin, grandparent “what it’s like to live life with a deceased suicide family member that you love very dearly because some people “just can’t fathom it”… Well, let me do my best to explain it in a way that can be understood…

It’s being dead but still being able to breathe, barely.

It’s like having your entire world thrown into a blender and mixed up to a liquid. Having your heart and lungs ripped out of your body so violently and never put back. Leaving a hole in your chest that will never heal and seeps pain, tears, anger, hate, and regret.

It’s like living in a dream that you can never wake up from, except it’s a fucking nightmare. A lifelong fucking nightmare.

It’s like having a large glass jar filled with happiness and you drop it on the ground and all the happiness blows away in the wind to never return.

It’s like having a million people around hugging and loving you but you still feel completely images (3)alone. Going from having people to talk with to having not one person message or call anymore because they don’t know what to say to you … at all, about anything…

It’s standing in the kitchen cooking food for the ones still here and crying so hard you can’t see yourself burning the food.

Some days it’s falling to the floor, screaming so hard that no sound comes out and you run out of breath but don’t stop screaming until you are hyperventilating and dizzy.

It’s a million little demons battling one single tiny angel in your brain, testing to see if you’re strong enough or not to survive this.

It’s like always trying to convince yourself that people want you around even though you feel like you’re just a placement for convenience in this world and in people’s lives.

Honestly. It’s like knowing that you’re going to die eventually and embracing it with open arms like a long-lost friend.

It’s like you holding on with everything you have and feel it all melt away.

No, it doesn’t get better. It doesn’t get easier. You just learn to live, to survive.”

The pain is just past on and I believe you have to watch it from the other side when you get there so it just won’t help.

Fear of grief reactions:

After death mourners often feel as though they are going crazy, and, as noted, those who have experienced a traumatic loss often experience intensified and prolonged grief/trauma reactions.

Relief:

It is common for a person to feel relieved after a loved one dies when the loved one had been living in pain and suffering. For those who die from illness, the relief comes from

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knowing they are no longer in physical pain.  And when a person dies from something like suicide or overdose, the relief may come from a place of knowing that their loved one is no longer struggling with emotional (and sometimes physical) pain.

Another reason someone might feel relief is if the loved one’s suicidal behaviour (or other types of behaviour) had put a strain on their family or other types of relationships. This doesn’t mean that the person grieving the loss wouldn’t trade their relief to have their loved one back for just one moment, or that they don’t also feel intense pain and sadness. It just means that relief is one feeling in their big, messy, hurricane of grief.

Feelings of isolation, stigma and/or shame:

Sadly, there is a stigma attached to mental illness and suicide.  Others can’t imagine the mental and emotional pain that would cause a person to kill themselves and so they might make assumptions or judge the deceased’s actions, calling them weak or selfish or who knows what else.

This being the case, it’s no wonder that many people choose not to open up about their loved one’s death.  Stigmatised losses may also be referred to as disenfranchised losses.  The following are just a few potential causes for isolation, stigma, and shame following a suicide death:

Isolation and shame may result in the family’s decision to keep the suicide a secret. Feeling unable to acknowledge the truth, those grieving the loss may feel as though they have to lie or live in silence.

  • Shame may result from thoughts of personal blame and responsibility.
  • Shame may result from the belief that one can’t control or manage their own grief reactions.
  • Isolation and shame may result from a lack of social support or because others don’t acknowledge the death.
  • Shame, isolation, and stigma may be felt in response to messages from media and broader society about suicide
  • Isolation may result from perceived rejection and thoughts of worthlessness.

In this day and age with the way things are now this stigmatising just has to stop and people really need to look at things differently, because from what I can see with the numbers of suicides, the mental health and the anxiety in the world rising so high theirs a bit of a chain reaction going on here!

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Shaun was already struggling with “mental health “ but losing his sister, it became too unbearable for him to acknowledge the truth of it and he was finding it hard to deal with.  Because of how soon it was between Mellissa losing her life and now suddenly Shaun. We the family are trying so hard to collect donations from anyone willing to help towards Shaun’s funeral costs. At the moment it’s impossible for Mom and Dad to pay for two in one year. I’m going to be putting a link in right “here for Shaun” Help raise funds for this unfortunate sad loss of yet another one of the family members. It was very unexpected and a complete shock to the family and we would very much appreciate any help that is possible… Just £1 each could help us to reach our goal and help us give Shaun the send-off  he deserves thank you to everyone for your help xx

As you know Melissa passed last year well, we managed to raise £2000 towards Melissa’s three children’s first Christmas without her and we’d like to thank everyone again that donated as it certainly made a big difference although it will never be the same without their mother thank you.xxx

In the meantime every day find time to talk with someone you don’t know. Listen to their story. Do it in person. Learn from them. Be your brother’s keeper, your sister’s shelter. When a neighbour is in need or a thirsty young mind is denied the challenges and opportunities to grow and flourish, or a sister or brother is crushed by a purposefully flawed criminal justice system that rewards winning rather than justice, find a way to do something about it now.

If you have a teacher or mentor who made a great or even small impact on your life, tell them. Call them, write to them, let them know what a wonderful impact they had on you. Life is too short not to validate the ones who have changed our lives in a profound way. Then there will be no regrets when they pass on because you already told them what was in your heart, and your life will be richer for it in ways that you never dreamed. It’s not about being perfect.

Young people need to know that the things that make you successful at school, like following rules, working the hardest and being perfect, are not what will make you happy outside of school. Follow your instincts, experiment, try things out, talk to people “way out of your professional league,” and keep dreaming big dreams. There is always a way out no matter how bad it seems — that job, that career path, that relationship — trust yourself enough to let it go if it is making you question your self-worth or it isn’t what you want to be remembered for. God bless you all and please take care of you and your loved ones.💚°*”˜.•°*”˜♥ ˜”*°•.˜”*°💚

 

Copyright © 2019  Joanne Wellington All Rights Reserved.

 

If you are grieving a loved one’s death from suicide you may find these resources helpful:

https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/a-to-z/s/suicide

https://www.moodjuice.scot.nhs.uk/Bereavement.asp

https://www.mindwell-leeds.org.uk/myself/feeling-unwell/i-am-experiencing-bereavement-or-loss

https://papyrus-uk.org/dont-avoid-me-just-ask-me/

https://www.thelisteningear.org.uk/facing-grief/bereaved-by-suicide/

#grief #loss #parenting #grieving parents #bereaved#

Do you worry what people think of you?

Do you find that you change your behaviors based on what other people think? Do you worry that you said the wrong thing? Do you worry how people will react to the choices you make? Do you hope that you make a good impression on others and that you look and sound intelligent? Do you hope that people like you? Do you rush off to put make up on just because someone is coming over to visit you? Do you agree with everyone else’s opinion?

While it is healthy normal behavior to adapt our behaviors to certain situations, sometimes we can get so caught up in worrying what people think of us that we literally lose who we are. It is almost as if we become chameleons – changing our whole personality just to please someone else. It is like being back at school where we are desperately trying so hard to fit in!

We may not be smoking or wearing the latest fashion clothes in order to hang out with the ‘in-crowd’ but we are still trying so hard to conform. We constantly worry about what others think of us and we find our behavior is governed by what we imagine other people believe about us.

It is important to recognize that most of the people we know really do not spend much time thinking about us anyway! Really, it’s true; people do not spend hours each day thinking about us!

Think of the words of Olin Miller:

“We probably wouldn’t worry about what people think of us if we could know how seldom they do.”

Other people really are too busy thinking about themselves and their own lives to be thinking about ours! If you spend your time worrying about what other people think, how do you know they are not doing exactly the same thing and worrying what YOU think of them? Remember, everyone else (even if it does not look like it) is just as self conscious as you are!

Ellen DeGeneres put it best when she said, “…we spend our time thinking about what other people are thinking about us…when all they’re really thinking about is what we’re thinking about them.”

Even if others do think about us occasionally, how do we really know what they are thinking? How can we be 100% sure? The fact is, we usually assume that it is something negative. We actually have no control over other people’s thoughts of us and they may not be thinking about us at all. They may be caught up in their own lives and worries. Realize that you can not control what others think of you. You only have control over what you think of yourself.

If we really could accept how seldom people think of us, and how caught up they are in themselves, we could slash our worry time by 100% and get a lot more fun out of life!

Wayne Dyer said ‘What you think of me is none of my business’

This is so true, the key is to be true to yourself and your own feelings and stop living to try and please other people.

You are setting yourself up lose if you are constantly striving for approval based on other peoples standards and expectations. Yes, of course it feels good to get validation and approval from others, but the problem comes when this is the motivating force in your life.

What is more important is to have the approval of yourself!

Don’t worry about what other people think of you’ by Nick Rallis

I realize that reading the minds of others can often give me grief and pain… ultimately what anybody thinks of me is none of my business. It is all about them, and not about me!

ONE of the ways we give ourselves such a hard time is to MIND READ.

We think we know what people are thinking about us. More often than not, we will be totally and utterly wrong in our thinking.

When somebody is silent or somber we think we have done something to upset them.
When somebody does not return our call or reply to our text message we think we have said or done something to offend them.
When we do not hear from someone for a while we assume they are tired of us.

The truth is that what goes on for another person is seldom about us… usually all about the other person.

We think somebody is being cool towards us when in reality their mind is on something that has happened in their life.

We think somebody does not like us any more but in reality they are just too absorbed in their own life to give us the attention we seek from them… It is never ever about you…It is only ever about them.

If you love yourself enough, you would see that what anybody else thinks of you is none of your business anyway. You are just mirroring someone else who has been in their life, a behavior or someone else or an aspect of themselves. And you know you are doing your best that you are a friendly person that you are loving and giving person. So why worry? Because whatever their mood is like it is not about you. Of course, if someone is continually not being responsive to you and not being much of a friend, then it might be time to find people in your life who are!

There are six billion people on this planet, and no one can really say there are not enough people to strike up relationships with. Trouble is we often home in on people who by their nature or their circumstances will give us the feeling that they are rejecting us even if that is not their real intention. We believe, deep down, that we are likely to be rejected so we create situations and choose people who will make these experiences seem true for us.

So it may be time to make different choices… to choose people in our life who will support and cherish us and will not give us the feeling of being rejected, not good enough or unimportant.

Time to hit the road and meet up with some better travelers and to let others go who pull your energy down or are so self focused that they will never make you feel wanted or needed. So how about not reading the minds of others…just accept them for who they are? And realize just because they are having a bad day does not mean we are going to have a bad day too.

So dear and special friend… do realize that there is nothing wrong with you…be kind and loving to others but do not take it personally when they do not give you the support and love you need…Do open your heart and share what is going on for you…

article written by Lisa Phillips

The biggest question of all time “WHY”..?

They say its a jungle out there  and yes it is .  if ever we’ve lived in a time of all-powerful “That is now”.

Why

“They” or “us” are the ones ready with the solution for everything that keeps us awake at night: with the questions on ..how can I lose weight?  Get healthy?  Find the love of my life? Maintain the love of my life? Make my children’s life better? Snag the right job?  Get out of debt? Keep all the people I care about in my life? Yet even Google, twitter http://mediumsworld.wordpress.com/ the internet itself and the gaggles of gurus don’t make the questions go away “WHY”.

We’re taking more pills to fall asleep than ever (and asking our doctors for them by name)., store shelves are stuffed with diet and exercise books, but 65 percent of us remain overweight. Countless how-to quit smoking  guides exist to prevent  the certain deaths of one of every two smokers, and informed decisions about the effects of alcohol on  lives and lifestyles.  alcohol education programmes, grants, expert information, and resources to help create awareness around alcohol units and alcohol related issues.

Forty-eight million adults continue to light up each day each year to help us understand what the hell is going on.

But yet the world is still awash with questions and answers, so “WHY” aren’t we-or-it–getting any better…”WHY”…?

The fact is that an ever-changing world and our perpetually evolving lives guarantee that we all share the same piece of real estate,. our human address is indeed on the edge-of chaos and clarity, of struggle and success, of wondering and wisdom and more often than not we are dusty from the challenges of day-to -day living . The thing is every time we think we have it all worked out,  a new-or an old-question comes along to shake things up and make us feel like we’re falling off the edge once again. Even as we gather experiences that may help us shape our lives for the better and more effectively to enable us to face familiar challenges with greater  ease,  what we know in one moment does not ensure we’ll know how to face what’s next.

Life is always asking us questions and the biggest question will always be “WHY” the fact is our lives are the “answers”… life is simply what we make it… strength, courage, will power, dreams , love and desire.

WE ARE THE ANSWERIt don’t cost nothing to be nice Click below for

60 Ways To Make Life Simple Again

 

Written by Joanne Wellington for Mediums World

Copyright © 2010,2015 Joanne Wellington All Rights Reserved.

 

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