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How to deal with your break up after many years “appropriately!!!”

The whole point of a relationship is to be happy.

Thousands of marriages break up every year, that’s a sad fact. They start out great, but something happens along the way. It could be almost immediately that the signs begin showing that one or both mates aren’t happy, or it could take years it could be that you just grew apart that you just don’t have the same interests anymore.

Money careers and egos are often behind the most break up of a marriage but there are  other reasons that marriages break up, but shouldn’t. The lack of communication is one reason why marriages finally fall apart.

Respect Some couples, begin their relationships just by talking, and talking. Then one day, you notice that you don’t talk as much as you used to or that the conversations have little meaning. There could be many different reasons behind this. One is that the couple are tired after Work, and caring for children, and just don’t feel like talking. After many months or years of this, you seem to lose the connection you once had. Another communication problem is pretending to like something you don’t, in order to make the other person happy. Good intentions, but they often go sour after you realize that you don’t want to pretend any more. Now the only thing left to do is hurt the person’s feelings or let them know you lied and were only pretending the entire time. This often causes one mate to lose respect for the other and without respect a relationship cannot run as it should.

Jealousy Another reason that many marriages break up. Once Married many people expect their mate to give up friendships, particularly ones with the opposite sex. Many women don’t want men to go out for a night with the boys; many men want their woman to speak to no other man. Arguments follow, and hard feelings. Distrust and finally bitterness result in not being frank with each other about this topic from the beginning. Marriage will change previous relationships somewhat, but no one should have to give up their previous friendships to suit a mate. Trust is important in a relationship and trust goes out the window when either party becomes jealous and it just simply cannot work without trust no matter how hard you try.

Love. When people fall in love, they do so for a number of reasons. But  For some people it is because they are lonely, and they have been longing to meet someone that they can talk to and spend time with at an intimate level. Though they might have friends, they feel their life is incomplete until they meet that someone. And once they meet that someone, they discover that they really didn’t need that person. They realize that they can stand up on their own. What they were looking for, they already had. They just never realized that. Thus they fell in love for the wrong reason and once that reason is fulfilled, they fall out of love.

But during this period a lot can happen like getting marred and having children together which changes everything altogether and even if you fall out of love when you have children many people do go on and chose to live a lie for the  sake of the children’s so much time in ones life is use on trying to build on this route.. when two people  have children together anyway it creates a type close to unconditional  caring love because you created another human being between you that will be forever shared ” but this is still much different from being in love” so no matter what happens you can still love each other and care a lot. So for the one that has lived the lie and for them to finely stand up and call it a day, which will happen eventually that person is probably in much more pain than you are for having to live the lie and go without true love for the one they cared about for so long.   this is the most hardest part of a break up in most marriages or long term relationships that person that has left you gave there life and time to you as much as you did them so to think that it’s just you suffering is a loud of self blinding ego ruling you..

After the relationship ends, how can you behave in a way that says you respect yourself and the situation? It’s hard because just ending a relationship can make you feel you’ve failed somehow. Still, it’s important that you respect yourself as a person and carry on.

First off for your children You and your x-mate will always be their parents. Your children need to know that they are not losing the love and care of either parent. They need to know that neither of you is divorcing your children. Reassure them that, although you and your spouse are no longer together, they will always belong to both of you.

Gather your support. Now is the time you need your friends and family, more than ever. Don’t try to go it alone but also remember your x-mate  also need support as you do, Trying to take and turn their family against them to support yourself  is  serious mental, and emotional abuse towards  your x-mate the other parent of your children, don’t forget both parents are needed in their life as are the rest of their family on both sides.. what kind of parent would do this to there children..but some people do this without thinking straight this really is between yourselves and you children NOT NO ONE ELSE.

Warnings

      • Don’t release your bad feelings on your ex mate physically. This type of rash action can have serious and lingering consequences.
      • Don’t ever use your children to fuel for your anger this is between you and your ex the children’s other parent why should your child be without one or the other..children’s success in adjusting to separation and divorce depends very much on the success of their parents’ adjustment. If you are coping well, they will cope well too. Your biggest tasks are to show that you have good coping skills and to encourage your children to keep on communicating with you both unless in cases of serious physical, mental, and emotional child abuse then it would be different.
      • To share your feelings.. Slagging off you x-mate and what your going through in front of a big audience like face book for instance is also disrespecting yourself as well as your x mate and your children. This type of behaviour is the same again mental, and emotional abuse.. once again. It’s not no ones fault when two mates or one of you fall out of love it happens it’s a part of life some people grow and some don’t. Using your ex partners family and friends that you shard together as your defence against them can have serious consequences also on them’ your x and your children this  is serious mental, and emotional abuse.
      • Don’t do anything dangerous or harmful to yourself. The pain, anguish, and anger you feel will pass – hard as it may seem to believe at the moment. Give yourself some time to feel better. Remember it’s like a broken bone: it hurts something awful at the beginning, but in time it is already beginning to heal and feel better.
      • Most of all doing the grown up thing is to accept the relationship is clearly not working and is over Don’t beg. your  mate who broke up with you. they already made up there mind. No matter how shocked, panicked, and in pain you are, don’t beg them for another chance or blackmail them with your children. It’s very hard to do, but to let this end leaving you with some shred of dignity, just say to them “I’m so sad about this, but if that’s your decision, I have no choice but to accept it,” is much more dignified than screaming,”No, don’t leave me! I’ll do anything you want me to!!” Let them leave and then pitch your hysterical fit and just understand they are hurting as much as you are.

In life as you go on you will realize that there is a purpose for every person you meet People come into your life to teach you things and learn from you don’t be disheartened, let down or upset if they need walk away.. Why ? because they were only meant to show you something, whether its patience, tolerance, humility, some are only there to parent your children …!Some are there to test you, some will use you, some will teach you, empathy or maybe just to be better than them; let them go with gladness in your heart because it is all part of their journey as well as yours, they obviously have further to walk than you. last of all some will bring out the best in you and some just wont so move on its needed..!
Wish them luck as you wave them goodbye… its all part of life evolving.

 All I can say is god bless you all and Please take care xxx

Copyright © 2010,2015 Joanne Wellington All Rights Reserved

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6 Signs Of An Abusive Relationship

broken-heartNobody wants to be in an abusive relationship as it tends to make you feel and act less than what you are capable of. An abusive relationship makes you feel like a lower species of human beings or the lowest form of a human being. In an abusive relationship your partner constantly makes you feel less than a normal person so that they can control you.

 

Read More >>> 6 Signs Of An Abusive Relationship.

Women, Abuse, and Why They Stay

I am proud of my parents because they gave me a great childhood! It was not  perfect-perfect, but I had a VERY happy time with lots of love and affection  from both of my parents and my grandma. Now that I am an adult I understand that  I got very lucky, because most people don’t have it for one reason or  another.

abused-womanOnce I had a conversation with a very old friend (I’ve known her since I was  five). We talked about the good old times, and I realized that one of my  childhood memories is connected to an instance of abuse in families. Our family  used to live in the apartment building. One of our neighbors was an artist. The  neighbors all said he was very talented and recognized by the society.

However, that guy was an alcoholic and hit his wife all the time. I remember  that I could hear his yelling and his wife screaming! It was so odd to me at the  time. I remember when my parents and other neighbors tried to talk to him many times. For a few weeks we had a quiet  existence but it never last for long. Women in the neighborhood talked to his  wife. They were trying to convince her to make a decision, to call to the police  or to leave him. But she always refused. She said she had three sons, she didn’t  have a job and even if she did she couldn’t support three boys by herself. So,  her choice was to stay with this terrible person!

Women stay in abusive relationships not only in the situations when they have  nowhere to go or no money to survive. Very often they stay with abusive men  because they think that the guy “loves” them and they “love” him. This is hard  to believe for a lot of people but unfortunately it is what they truly  think!

Once, my girlfriend’s parents picked her up at the hospital because the “love of her life” hit her!  When I asked her why she was still with the guy, she said that he was an  amazing, intelligent, funny person, but sometimes he cannot control his temper.  She added: “When he is in a good mood he  can make me very happy. But nobody is perfect”.

I was speechless! “Nobody is perfect!?” He could kill her!

It proved that most of these decisions people make is because of the money  issues or fear of something. There are different fears: fear of being alone,  fear that nobody will like you, and fear of not having children. Fear, fear,  fear. We cannot be prisoners of fear and let other people tell us what to  do!

I was thinking about abuse a lot. Why do women let themselves be in this  situation? I am not only talking about  physical abuse. I also mean emotional abuse. I talked with my mom about my  friend. My mom said that some women couldn’t stand up for themselves and be  strong enough to oppose the abuse. Probably those women were abused when they  were children, got used to it and brought the terrible relationship pattern into  their adulthood.

For some people childhood is the happiest time of their life – for others it  is something you have to try to deal with forever. I would like to give some  parenting advice to parents who have daughters. My father was always very gentle  and affectionate to me when I was a child, and it gave me a great deal of  confidence in life. Always respect your child. Be aware that you are responsible  for your daughter’s future, and that you want to be the kind of parent that sets  a good relationship example!

Karina  Lawrence –    About the Author:

Karina Lawrence is a full-time mom and an active participant in various moms’ blogs and other mom online community sites. She loves discussing on daily tit  bits of her parenting experience  and likes to share her ideas with other moms.

 

Emotional Abuse: The abuse no one ever told you about

I find this a very important topic to have a lot more discussion about.   Although we all are raised, and hear all around us, that it is wrong for men to  hit and that is abusive, the topic of emotional/verbal/psychological abuse seems  to be often over looked.  The damage done emotionally can last even longer  than physical abuse, maybe even a life time.

Emotional-AbuseWe always wonder why a woman would tolerate a physically abusive man.   It seems crazy to us…someone hits you – you leave – pretty simple.  What  people commonly don’t know is that physical abusers start as emotional  abusers.  By the time a man becomes physically abusive, he’s torn the woman  down emotionally so bad or for so long, she’s not sure which way is up.  I  know most women think they can spot this guy without any more information and  this goes into the “it would never happen to me” category.  All I can tell  you is I have an engineering degree, held good jobs, always had healthy self esteem, know better than to let a man  treat me bad, and I still woke up one day to find myself in an abusive  situation.

Emotional abuse can be much more complex and devious than just tearing you  down, telling you that you aren’t attractive, stupid, etc.  I’d like to  share a short story with you to better explain how the manipulative emotional  abuser works his ways.

My boyfriend at the time and I planned a long weekend vacation.  I was really excited about going on  vacation with just him and myself.  The day we were set to leave I was  sitting in my boyfriend’s house, with his roommate, waiting on him to get home  so his roommate could drive us to the airport.  I noticed his roommate had  his bags packed and asked where he was going for the weekend.  He looked at  me like I had two heads and said, “I’m going with you guys.” I was shocked,  hurt, and mad my boyfriend hadn’t talked to me about his roommate coming with  us.  I wouldn’t have bought plane tickets if I had known it was a “group” trip.  When my boyfriend got home I pulled him off to the side and calmly  asked him why he hadn’t discussed it with me.  He told me “We discussed it  last Wednesday.  Don’t you remember?  You were sitting right there, he  was sitting here, and I was sitting over there and we all agreed.”  I was  really upset because I still didn’t like the situation and was no longer excited  about the trip, but what was wrong with me that I couldn’t remember the  conversation? It must have been my bad memory that my ex sometimes picked on me  about.  No matter how upset or hurt I was, I only had myself to  blame.  I must have agreed and not remembered.

It wasn’t even until I left him that I realized that conversation with all  three of us never happened and he was just messing with my mind.  It was  always like that.  “I already gave you directions, don’t you  remember?”  “We already talked about this, don’t you remember?”  “I  told you to bring xyz!”  I felt dumber and dumber and dumber in that  relationship.  I thought I had a horrible memory, and sometimes I  can be a little forgetful so I bought right into it.  He made me dependent  because I surely couldn’t depend on myself with how absent minded I had  become!  The entire time I was with him I never questioned it.  He  always put so many details around the lie it never occurred to me that I  couldn’t trust the words of someone telling me that they loved me.  I  couldn’t imagine lying like that and thought abuse was easier to spot, like just  telling someone “you are an idiot”, instead of slowly convincing them that they  were stupid in such a manipulative way.

Your biggest defense against manipulative people and emotional  abusers is to trust yourself no matter what the situation.  Had I  trusted myself and trusted the facts in my head, rather than what he was telling  me was fact, we would have dated around three months instead of ending up  married.  Had I been educated on how emotional abuse really works, I never  would have ended up in that scary situation.

The list below is signs that you may be in an abusive relationship.   It’s a good list to keep in the back of your head for friends, family, or  children too so you can quickly recognize red flags.  This list has been  taken from www.drirene.com:  If you  answer “yes” to more than a few, you may want to take a closer look.

Does your partner:

ignore your feelings?

disrespect  you?

ridicule or insult you then tell you its a joke, or that you have no sense of  humor?

ridicule your beliefs, religion, race, heritage or class?

withhold approval, appreciation or  affection?

give you the silent  treatment?

walk away without answering  you?

criticize you, call you names, yell at  you?

humiliate you privately or in  public?

roll his or her eyes when you  talk?

give you a hard time about socializing with your friends or  family?

make you socialize (and keep up appearances) even when you don’t feel  well?

seem to make sure that what you really  want is exactly what you won’t get?

tell you you are too  sensitive?

hurt you especially when you are  down?

seem energized by fighting, while fighting exhausts  you?

have unpredictable mood swings, alternating from good to bad for no apparent  reason?

present a wonderful face to the world and is well liked by outsiders?

“twist” your words, somehow turning what you said against  you?

try to control decisions, money, even the way you style your hair or wear  your clothes?

complain about how badly you treat him or  her?

threaten to leave, or threaten to throw you  out?

say things that make you feel good, but do things that make you feel bad?

ever left you stranded?

ever threaten to hurt you or your  family?

ever hit or pushed you, even  “accidentally”?

seem to stir up trouble just when you seem to be getting closer to each  other?

abuse something you love: a pet, a child, an object?

compliment you enough to keep you happy, yet criticize you enough to keep you  insecure?

promise to never do something hurtful  again?

harass you about imagined  affairs?

manipulate you with lies and  contradictions?

destroy furniture, punch holes in walls, break appliances?

drive like a  road-rage junkie?

act immature and selfish, yet accuse you of those  behaviors?

question your every move and motive, somehow questioning your  competence?

interrupt you; hear but not really  listen?

make you feel like you can’t win? damned if you do, damned if you don’t?

use drugs and/or alcohol involved? are things worse  then?

incite you to rage, which is “proof” that you are to blame?

try to convince you he or she is “right,” while you are “wrong?”

frequently say things that are later denied or accuse you of  misunderstanding?

treat you like a sex object, or as though sex should be provided on demand  regardless of how you feel?

Your situation is critical if the following applies to  you:

You find yourself walking on eggshells, careful of when and how to say  something.

You long for that softer, more vulnerable part of your partner to emerge.

You find yourself making excuses for your partner’s behavior?

You feel emotionally unsafe.

You feel its somehow not OK to talk with others about your  relationship.

You hope things will change…especially through your love and  understanding.

You find yourself doubting your memory or sense of  reality.   

You doubt your own  judgment.

You doubt your  abilities.

You feel vulnerable and  insecure.

You are becoming increasingly depressed.

You feel increasingly trapped and powerless.

You have been or are afraid of your partner.

Your partner has physically hurt you, even once.

Another great resource is the bookThe Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize it and How to  Respond by Patricia Evans.  It is often quoted as the top book on emotional abuse  and may be helpful for you or someone you know needing to educate his or herself  on emotional abuse.

Remember that abusers are often well liked, intelligent, well respected  people and only mistreating their partners while alone.  If you have  someone in your life, who is in a relationship, and seems to be cutting off  contact with you and other friends, have a heart to heart if you are close  enough.  I know I may not have listened right away, but if I had people I  loved telling me “It’s not okay, ever, that he did this or that.” or “You  deserve a man that acts like this or does that.” or even just shown me that  list, I might have woken up sooner rather than later.

Never forget that your life is your choice.  Only you get to decide what  you will and will not tolerate.  Click  here to purchase Hear my Heels bracelets to remember to keep  going towards the life you deserve.  Please forward this information to all  the women you care about.

20% of profits will go to domestic abuse charities.

Molly  Pennington –    About the Author:

Hear my Heels ~ The sound of you walking away, smiling, towards  something better.I am the owner of Hear my Heels.  Hear my Heels creates  products for anyone who has found or looking to find the strength to go after  everything they deserve in life. We donate 20% of our profits to domestic abuse  charities.  No man, woman, or child deserves to suffer at the hands of an abuser  and it is our mission to remind everyone of their value, strength, and self  worth.

Leaving an Abusive Relationship

emotionally-abusive-relationshipLetting go of an abusive partner is surprisingly one of the toughest choices that victims of abuse will eventually make. Victims are often unaware of the unhealthy turn of their relationship and tend to stay trapped in it unless concerned family members and friends bail them out.

An abuser may develop the attitude that the abuse that they are exposed to is normal, or even deserved, but it is not. If you have recently realized that you are in a relationship that is not healthy, you may be considering leaving. Here, I will provide information on leaving an abusive relationship.

If you are looking on leaving an abusive relationship, you will go through several phases. It is important to know and understand that this is normal. The first thing that you may experience is a phase where you look to rationalize the behavior of your partner.

You try to justify your partners behavior towards you with these explanations: perhaps your partner is just bothered by a lot of problems; perhaps you really are to blame. What you need to do is wake up. You are each responsible for your own actions. Abuse is never your choice. Stop taking the blame.

The next phase involves a feeling of loss and emptiness. When you anticipate leaving the relationship for good, you find it hard to imagine how your life will go, especially when you have grown so dependent on your partner ” exactly the same person who abused you.

Your abusive partner has had a considerable degree of control over you after breaking your spirit and rebuilding it sans any regard for your needs. When you withdraw from this control, you tend to feel empty. This is just how things work. Don’t get stuck in this stage. If you want to unload the burden of sorrow from your life, you must be ready to leave on your own. You do not need anyone’s guidance or control.

Undoubtedly, you will be weighing a lot of factors when you want to escape an abusive relationship. Let one of the fundamental factors be your safety. Because your abusive partner is rarely able to control temper or aggressive behavior, expect small fights to intensify to brawls.

You could become seriously injured, and you could even be killed as a result of physical abuse. If you experience emotional or psychological abuse, you could end up suffering from depression. Believe it or not, this could actually have an impact on your physical health as well. You must consider yourself, your future, and your health.

Once you decide to walk away from an abusive relationship, it is important to understand that the abuser may not like this at all. They could even attempt to hurt you while you are making the attempt. It is important to ensure that you have a plan that includes additional people that can help you through the experience.

It is also important that you do not reveal the details of your new location when leaving. If you consider the points listed here, walking away from an abusive relationship will prove to be the best choice that you will ever make.

Liz Johnson – About the Author:
Liz Johnson is a recognized expert on bad relationships. If you have found this article useful please visit her web site for more tips, information and practical advice on leaving an unhealthy relationship You can get a unique content version of this article.

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