Blog Archives

How to deal with your break up after many years “appropriately!!!”

The whole point of a relationship is to be happy.

Thousands of marriages break up every year, that’s a sad fact. They start out great, but something happens along the way. It could be almost immediately that the signs begin showing that one or both mates aren’t happy, or it could take years it could be that you just grew apart that you just don’t have the same interests anymore.

Money careers and egos are often behind the most break up of a marriage but there are  other reasons that marriages break up, but shouldn’t. The lack of communication is one reason why marriages finally fall apart.

Respect Some couples, begin their relationships just by talking, and talking. Then one day, you notice that you don’t talk as much as you used to or that the conversations have little meaning. There could be many different reasons behind this. One is that the couple are tired after Work, and caring for children, and just don’t feel like talking. After many months or years of this, you seem to lose the connection you once had. Another communication problem is pretending to like something you don’t, in order to make the other person happy. Good intentions, but they often go sour after you realize that you don’t want to pretend any more. Now the only thing left to do is hurt the person’s feelings or let them know you lied and were only pretending the entire time. This often causes one mate to lose respect for the other and without respect a relationship cannot run as it should.

Jealousy Another reason that many marriages break up. Once Married many people expect their mate to give up friendships, particularly ones with the opposite sex. Many women don’t want men to go out for a night with the boys; many men want their woman to speak to no other man. Arguments follow, and hard feelings. Distrust and finally bitterness result in not being frank with each other about this topic from the beginning. Marriage will change previous relationships somewhat, but no one should have to give up their previous friendships to suit a mate. Trust is important in a relationship and trust goes out the window when either party becomes jealous and it just simply cannot work without trust no matter how hard you try.

Love. When people fall in love, they do so for a number of reasons. But  For some people it is because they are lonely, and they have been longing to meet someone that they can talk to and spend time with at an intimate level. Though they might have friends, they feel their life is incomplete until they meet that someone. And once they meet that someone, they discover that they really didn’t need that person. They realize that they can stand up on their own. What they were looking for, they already had. They just never realized that. Thus they fell in love for the wrong reason and once that reason is fulfilled, they fall out of love.

But during this period a lot can happen like getting marred and having children together which changes everything altogether and even if you fall out of love when you have children many people do go on and chose to live a lie for the  sake of the children’s so much time in ones life is use on trying to build on this route.. when two people  have children together anyway it creates a type close to unconditional  caring love because you created another human being between you that will be forever shared ” but this is still much different from being in love” so no matter what happens you can still love each other and care a lot. So for the one that has lived the lie and for them to finely stand up and call it a day, which will happen eventually that person is probably in much more pain than you are for having to live the lie and go without true love for the one they cared about for so long.   this is the most hardest part of a break up in most marriages or long term relationships that person that has left you gave there life and time to you as much as you did them so to think that it’s just you suffering is a loud of self blinding ego ruling you..

After the relationship ends, how can you behave in a way that says you respect yourself and the situation? It’s hard because just ending a relationship can make you feel you’ve failed somehow. Still, it’s important that you respect yourself as a person and carry on.

First off for your children You and your x-mate will always be their parents. Your children need to know that they are not losing the love and care of either parent. They need to know that neither of you is divorcing your children. Reassure them that, although you and your spouse are no longer together, they will always belong to both of you.

Gather your support. Now is the time you need your friends and family, more than ever. Don’t try to go it alone but also remember your x-mate  also need support as you do, Trying to take and turn their family against them to support yourself  is  serious mental, and emotional abuse towards  your x-mate the other parent of your children, don’t forget both parents are needed in their life as are the rest of their family on both sides.. what kind of parent would do this to there children..but some people do this without thinking straight this really is between yourselves and you children NOT NO ONE ELSE.

Warnings

      • Don’t release your bad feelings on your ex mate physically. This type of rash action can have serious and lingering consequences.
      • Don’t ever use your children to fuel for your anger this is between you and your ex the children’s other parent why should your child be without one or the other..children’s success in adjusting to separation and divorce depends very much on the success of their parents’ adjustment. If you are coping well, they will cope well too. Your biggest tasks are to show that you have good coping skills and to encourage your children to keep on communicating with you both unless in cases of serious physical, mental, and emotional child abuse then it would be different.
      • To share your feelings.. Slagging off you x-mate and what your going through in front of a big audience like face book for instance is also disrespecting yourself as well as your x mate and your children. This type of behaviour is the same again mental, and emotional abuse.. once again. It’s not no ones fault when two mates or one of you fall out of love it happens it’s a part of life some people grow and some don’t. Using your ex partners family and friends that you shard together as your defence against them can have serious consequences also on them’ your x and your children this  is serious mental, and emotional abuse.
      • Don’t do anything dangerous or harmful to yourself. The pain, anguish, and anger you feel will pass – hard as it may seem to believe at the moment. Give yourself some time to feel better. Remember it’s like a broken bone: it hurts something awful at the beginning, but in time it is already beginning to heal and feel better.
      • Most of all doing the grown up thing is to accept the relationship is clearly not working and is over Don’t beg. your  mate who broke up with you. they already made up there mind. No matter how shocked, panicked, and in pain you are, don’t beg them for another chance or blackmail them with your children. It’s very hard to do, but to let this end leaving you with some shred of dignity, just say to them “I’m so sad about this, but if that’s your decision, I have no choice but to accept it,” is much more dignified than screaming,”No, don’t leave me! I’ll do anything you want me to!!” Let them leave and then pitch your hysterical fit and just understand they are hurting as much as you are.

In life as you go on you will realize that there is a purpose for every person you meet People come into your life to teach you things and learn from you don’t be disheartened, let down or upset if they need walk away.. Why ? because they were only meant to show you something, whether its patience, tolerance, humility, some are only there to parent your children …!Some are there to test you, some will use you, some will teach you, empathy or maybe just to be better than them; let them go with gladness in your heart because it is all part of their journey as well as yours, they obviously have further to walk than you. last of all some will bring out the best in you and some just wont so move on its needed..!
Wish them luck as you wave them goodbye… its all part of life evolving.

 All I can say is god bless you all and Please take care xxx

Copyright © 2010,2015 Joanne Wellington All Rights Reserved

Relationship Reality Check

Every now and then your primary relationship (wi…th your spouse, partner, lover) needs a reality check to make sure you are both on the same page and in touch with each others relationship

I’ve been reading many articles lately about men and women whose spouses/partners have left them unexpectedly leaving them both surprised and devastated.

Most of them had no inkling that the relationship was anything but good. They saw no signs of trouble, unusual behavior, or what was to come crashing down on them.

How does this happen?

Unfortunately it does happen, and it happens to couples that allow themselves to fall into an unconscious routine.

They begin to take each other for granted, lose connection with each other’s thoughts and feelings and generally forget to do the small, considerate things they used to do in the past. It happens more often than anyone would care to admit.

Before the situation deteriorates to the point of no return, there are some things you can do to make sure you and your partner are in sync and working together.

Tips For Maintaining A Good Relationship: ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

1- Respect each other. Try to understand each other’s feelings and points of view. Don’t try to change one another now that you’re in the relationships. You were initially attracted to each other for a reason. Remember what it was and continue to appreciate it.

2- Communicate. Never underestimate the importance of good communication. If something is going on inside of you, share it. Don’t keep your feelings, good or bad, to yourself. If you have a problem let your partner in on it. Work on a solution together. It will create intimacy and bring you closer together. When something good happens to you at work or you’ve achieved a goal, share that as well. All sharing and exchanging of information brings people closer to each other. Practice communicating with each other.

3- Do the little things. Be considerate and thoughtful. If you’re getting yourself a coffee, apple or snack from the kitchen ask your partner if he/she wants one too. When your spouse is tired and sore give him/her a back rub or massage. Be aware of each others needs.

4-  Don’t get caught up in the rat race. People get too wrapped up in getting ahead and the mechanics of everyday living. They rush around doing, getting, and not taking time to live in the moment. By not paying attention to each other you can become disconnected with yourself and your partner.

5-  Maintain a Sense of Humor. Laugh together. Don’t take things too seriously. Barring a tragedy, nothing is so serious that you can’t step back and look at the humorous side. Laughter is contagious and creates intimacy.

6-  Take care of and respect yourself. As mentioned in Love Yourself in order function fully, strive for balance. If you don’t take care of yourself, everything around you will fall apart including your relationship.

7-  Have a Life. Everyone needs a life of his/her own. If you don’t have one, you not only tend to invade someone else’s space, you probably become too dependent and therefore less interesting. One of the most important things you can bring to a relationship is your unique set of qualities and a different perspective. Contrary to what you may think, maintaining your individuality and having a life of your own strengthens a relationship and keeps it fresh and interesting.

So before things start sliding or become stagnant in your relationship, start developing some good maintenance habits. Communicate, laugh, be independent, take care of yourself and your relationship will not only survive, it will flourish.

In a relationship, married or not… YOU SHOULD READ THIS!

MARRIAGE

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.

She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.

She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outsidethe door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy.

I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed – dead.

My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.– At least, in the eyes of our son— I’m a loving husband….

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

If you don’t share this, nothing will happen to you.

If you do, you just might save a marriage.

Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.

A Link from Facebook by Kimmies Floral

%d bloggers like this: