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6 Signs Of An Abusive Relationship
Nobody wants to be in an abusive relationship as it tends to make you feel and act less than what you are capable of. An abusive relationship makes you feel like a lower species of human beings or the lowest form of a human being. In an abusive relationship your partner constantly makes you feel less than a normal person so that they can control you.
Read More >>> 6 Signs Of An Abusive Relationship.
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Women, Abuse, and Why They Stay
I am proud of my parents because they gave me a great childhood! It was not perfect-perfect, but I had a VERY happy time with lots of love and affection from both of my parents and my grandma. Now that I am an adult I understand that I got very lucky, because most people don’t have it for one reason or another.
Once I had a conversation with a very old friend (I’ve known her since I was five). We talked about the good old times, and I realized that one of my childhood memories is connected to an instance of abuse in families. Our family used to live in the apartment building. One of our neighbors was an artist. The neighbors all said he was very talented and recognized by the society.
However, that guy was an alcoholic and hit his wife all the time. I remember that I could hear his yelling and his wife screaming! It was so odd to me at the time. I remember when my parents and other neighbors tried to talk to him many times. For a few weeks we had a quiet existence but it never last for long. Women in the neighborhood talked to his wife. They were trying to convince her to make a decision, to call to the police or to leave him. But she always refused. She said she had three sons, she didn’t have a job and even if she did she couldn’t support three boys by herself. So, her choice was to stay with this terrible person!
Women stay in abusive relationships not only in the situations when they have nowhere to go or no money to survive. Very often they stay with abusive men because they think that the guy “loves” them and they “love” him. This is hard to believe for a lot of people but unfortunately it is what they truly think!
Once, my girlfriend’s parents picked her up at the hospital because the “love of her life” hit her! When I asked her why she was still with the guy, she said that he was an amazing, intelligent, funny person, but sometimes he cannot control his temper. She added: “When he is in a good mood he can make me very happy. But nobody is perfect”.
I was speechless! “Nobody is perfect!?” He could kill her!
It proved that most of these decisions people make is because of the money issues or fear of something. There are different fears: fear of being alone, fear that nobody will like you, and fear of not having children. Fear, fear, fear. We cannot be prisoners of fear and let other people tell us what to do!
I was thinking about abuse a lot. Why do women let themselves be in this situation? I am not only talking about physical abuse. I also mean emotional abuse. I talked with my mom about my friend. My mom said that some women couldn’t stand up for themselves and be strong enough to oppose the abuse. Probably those women were abused when they were children, got used to it and brought the terrible relationship pattern into their adulthood.
For some people childhood is the happiest time of their life – for others it is something you have to try to deal with forever. I would like to give some parenting advice to parents who have daughters. My father was always very gentle and affectionate to me when I was a child, and it gave me a great deal of confidence in life. Always respect your child. Be aware that you are responsible for your daughter’s future, and that you want to be the kind of parent that sets a good relationship example!
Karina Lawrence – About the Author:
Karina Lawrence is a full-time mom and an active participant in various moms’ blogs and other mom online community sites. She loves discussing on daily tit bits of her parenting experience and likes to share her ideas with other moms.
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Emotional Abuse: The abuse no one ever told you about
I find this a very important topic to have a lot more discussion about. Although we all are raised, and hear all around us, that it is wrong for men to hit and that is abusive, the topic of emotional/verbal/psychological abuse seems to be often over looked. The damage done emotionally can last even longer than physical abuse, maybe even a life time.
We always wonder why a woman would tolerate a physically abusive man. It seems crazy to us…someone hits you – you leave – pretty simple. What people commonly don’t know is that physical abusers start as emotional abusers. By the time a man becomes physically abusive, he’s torn the woman down emotionally so bad or for so long, she’s not sure which way is up. I know most women think they can spot this guy without any more information and this goes into the “it would never happen to me” category. All I can tell you is I have an engineering degree, held good jobs, always had healthy self esteem, know better than to let a man treat me bad, and I still woke up one day to find myself in an abusive situation.
Emotional abuse can be much more complex and devious than just tearing you down, telling you that you aren’t attractive, stupid, etc. I’d like to share a short story with you to better explain how the manipulative emotional abuser works his ways.
My boyfriend at the time and I planned a long weekend vacation. I was really excited about going on vacation with just him and myself. The day we were set to leave I was sitting in my boyfriend’s house, with his roommate, waiting on him to get home so his roommate could drive us to the airport. I noticed his roommate had his bags packed and asked where he was going for the weekend. He looked at me like I had two heads and said, “I’m going with you guys.” I was shocked, hurt, and mad my boyfriend hadn’t talked to me about his roommate coming with us. I wouldn’t have bought plane tickets if I had known it was a “group” trip. When my boyfriend got home I pulled him off to the side and calmly asked him why he hadn’t discussed it with me. He told me “We discussed it last Wednesday. Don’t you remember? You were sitting right there, he was sitting here, and I was sitting over there and we all agreed.” I was really upset because I still didn’t like the situation and was no longer excited about the trip, but what was wrong with me that I couldn’t remember the conversation? It must have been my bad memory that my ex sometimes picked on me about. No matter how upset or hurt I was, I only had myself to blame. I must have agreed and not remembered.
It wasn’t even until I left him that I realized that conversation with all three of us never happened and he was just messing with my mind. It was always like that. “I already gave you directions, don’t you remember?” “We already talked about this, don’t you remember?” “I told you to bring xyz!” I felt dumber and dumber and dumber in that relationship. I thought I had a horrible memory, and sometimes I can be a little forgetful so I bought right into it. He made me dependent because I surely couldn’t depend on myself with how absent minded I had become! The entire time I was with him I never questioned it. He always put so many details around the lie it never occurred to me that I couldn’t trust the words of someone telling me that they loved me. I couldn’t imagine lying like that and thought abuse was easier to spot, like just telling someone “you are an idiot”, instead of slowly convincing them that they were stupid in such a manipulative way.
Your biggest defense against manipulative people and emotional abusers is to trust yourself no matter what the situation. Had I trusted myself and trusted the facts in my head, rather than what he was telling me was fact, we would have dated around three months instead of ending up married. Had I been educated on how emotional abuse really works, I never would have ended up in that scary situation.
The list below is signs that you may be in an abusive relationship. It’s a good list to keep in the back of your head for friends, family, or children too so you can quickly recognize red flags. This list has been taken from www.drirene.com: If you answer “yes” to more than a few, you may want to take a closer look.
Does your partner:
ignore your feelings?
disrespect you?
ridicule or insult you then tell you its a joke, or that you have no sense of humor?
ridicule your beliefs, religion, race, heritage or class?
withhold approval, appreciation or affection?
give you the silent treatment?
walk away without answering you?
criticize you, call you names, yell at you?
humiliate you privately or in public?
roll his or her eyes when you talk?
give you a hard time about socializing with your friends or family?
make you socialize (and keep up appearances) even when you don’t feel well?
seem to make sure that what you really want is exactly what you won’t get?
tell you you are too sensitive?
hurt you especially when you are down?
seem energized by fighting, while fighting exhausts you?
have unpredictable mood swings, alternating from good to bad for no apparent reason?
present a wonderful face to the world and is well liked by outsiders?
“twist” your words, somehow turning what you said against you?
try to control decisions, money, even the way you style your hair or wear your clothes?
complain about how badly you treat him or her?
threaten to leave, or threaten to throw you out?
say things that make you feel good, but do things that make you feel bad?
ever left you stranded?
ever threaten to hurt you or your family?
ever hit or pushed you, even “accidentally”?
seem to stir up trouble just when you seem to be getting closer to each other?
abuse something you love: a pet, a child, an object?
compliment you enough to keep you happy, yet criticize you enough to keep you insecure?
promise to never do something hurtful again?
harass you about imagined affairs?
manipulate you with lies and contradictions?
destroy furniture, punch holes in walls, break appliances?
drive like a road-rage junkie?
act immature and selfish, yet accuse you of those behaviors?
question your every move and motive, somehow questioning your competence?
interrupt you; hear but not really listen?
make you feel like you can’t win? damned if you do, damned if you don’t?
use drugs and/or alcohol involved? are things worse then?
incite you to rage, which is “proof” that you are to blame?
try to convince you he or she is “right,” while you are “wrong?”
frequently say things that are later denied or accuse you of misunderstanding?
treat you like a sex object, or as though sex should be provided on demand regardless of how you feel?
Your situation is critical if the following applies to you:
You find yourself walking on eggshells, careful of when and how to say something.
You long for that softer, more vulnerable part of your partner to emerge.
You find yourself making excuses for your partner’s behavior?
You feel emotionally unsafe.
You feel its somehow not OK to talk with others about your relationship.
You hope things will change…especially through your love and understanding.
You find yourself doubting your memory or sense of reality.
You doubt your own judgment.
You doubt your abilities.
You feel vulnerable and insecure.
You are becoming increasingly depressed.
You feel increasingly trapped and powerless.
You have been or are afraid of your partner.
Your partner has physically hurt you, even once.
Another great resource is the bookThe Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize it and How to Respond by Patricia Evans. It is often quoted as the top book on emotional abuse and may be helpful for you or someone you know needing to educate his or herself on emotional abuse.
Remember that abusers are often well liked, intelligent, well respected people and only mistreating their partners while alone. If you have someone in your life, who is in a relationship, and seems to be cutting off contact with you and other friends, have a heart to heart if you are close enough. I know I may not have listened right away, but if I had people I loved telling me “It’s not okay, ever, that he did this or that.” or “You deserve a man that acts like this or does that.” or even just shown me that list, I might have woken up sooner rather than later.
Never forget that your life is your choice. Only you get to decide what you will and will not tolerate. Click here to purchase Hear my Heels bracelets to remember to keep going towards the life you deserve. Please forward this information to all the women you care about.
20% of profits will go to domestic abuse charities.
Molly Pennington – About the Author:
Hear my Heels ~ The sound of you walking away, smiling, towards something better.I am the owner of Hear my Heels. Hear my Heels creates products for anyone who has found or looking to find the strength to go after everything they deserve in life. We donate 20% of our profits to domestic abuse charities. No man, woman, or child deserves to suffer at the hands of an abuser and it is our mission to remind everyone of their value, strength, and self worth.
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Leaving an Abusive Relationship
Letting go of an abusive partner is surprisingly one of the toughest choices that victims of abuse will eventually make. Victims are often unaware of the unhealthy turn of their relationship and tend to stay trapped in it unless concerned family members and friends bail them out.
An abuser may develop the attitude that the abuse that they are exposed to is normal, or even deserved, but it is not. If you have recently realized that you are in a relationship that is not healthy, you may be considering leaving. Here, I will provide information on leaving an abusive relationship.
If you are looking on leaving an abusive relationship, you will go through several phases. It is important to know and understand that this is normal. The first thing that you may experience is a phase where you look to rationalize the behavior of your partner.
You try to justify your partners behavior towards you with these explanations: perhaps your partner is just bothered by a lot of problems; perhaps you really are to blame. What you need to do is wake up. You are each responsible for your own actions. Abuse is never your choice. Stop taking the blame.
The next phase involves a feeling of loss and emptiness. When you anticipate leaving the relationship for good, you find it hard to imagine how your life will go, especially when you have grown so dependent on your partner ” exactly the same person who abused you.
Your abusive partner has had a considerable degree of control over you after breaking your spirit and rebuilding it sans any regard for your needs. When you withdraw from this control, you tend to feel empty. This is just how things work. Don’t get stuck in this stage. If you want to unload the burden of sorrow from your life, you must be ready to leave on your own. You do not need anyone’s guidance or control.
Undoubtedly, you will be weighing a lot of factors when you want to escape an abusive relationship. Let one of the fundamental factors be your safety. Because your abusive partner is rarely able to control temper or aggressive behavior, expect small fights to intensify to brawls.
You could become seriously injured, and you could even be killed as a result of physical abuse. If you experience emotional or psychological abuse, you could end up suffering from depression. Believe it or not, this could actually have an impact on your physical health as well. You must consider yourself, your future, and your health.
Once you decide to walk away from an abusive relationship, it is important to understand that the abuser may not like this at all. They could even attempt to hurt you while you are making the attempt. It is important to ensure that you have a plan that includes additional people that can help you through the experience.
It is also important that you do not reveal the details of your new location when leaving. If you consider the points listed here, walking away from an abusive relationship will prove to be the best choice that you will ever make.
Liz Johnson is a recognized expert on bad relationships. If you have found this article useful please visit her web site for more tips, information and practical advice on leaving an unhealthy relationship You can get a unique content version of this article.
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Nothing makes me more angry and sad than a cold and judgmental person.
Written by Joanne Wellington for Mediums World
Yes Mike Robbins is quite right in many aspects of his article The Power of Empathy and I have to say and have mentioned to people before that a cold and judgmental person is such a sad thing to see or be.
I wish people could learn to be more understanding. Nothing makes me more angry and sad than a cold and judgmental person.
We all have judgmental prejudices. We all think thoughts that separate us from one another. We may not necessarily agree with everyone, that would be very impossible, but we can at least try to understand why people do something or act in a certain way. We can learn a lot that way…
This may or may not change anything, but I have always felt bad in the past when I have judged people… WE really should do better…. We should learn not to judge . Life is so much more enriching the more people you know and there really are some wonderful people out there once you let go, and you will find out the more diverse they are.
I challenge people now to try to make yourself a better person. You may not always agree with others, but is it really so hard to see through someone else’s eyes and see the other side of the coin ? Trust me, you’ll be happier if you do. understanding is great patience, and great patience is gold within us……!!..its very important for your children to learn too if you have them..
Try it for you ,do it for them , lets help make the world a better place .