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Spread love not fear be the best you can be!

“Every time you abuse a child, every time you hit a child, every time you swear at a child,every time you put fear into a child. Every time you are negative with a child. What are you Educating them into?

You are not educating them into them into “Love” you are not educating them into feeling good and liking themselves, you are not educating them into feeling confident and positive you may as well just rip all their  friends away from them before they start making them as that is what you’re doing And by god friends are important as a child. What you are doing is crushing their spirit with your negativity, anger, lack of trust and fear and insecurities.You are crushing them with the fact, that YOU don’t really like YOURSELF and are afraid to be REAL!! You are crushing within them the wonder of Life.

You are educating them to fear REAL LOVE AND INTIMACY with other Human Beings because YOU, yourself are afraid of real Love and Intimacy. And no where is this more apparent then in the relationships between Men and Women. We are not civilised, look what we do to each other and then call it “Love?” Love is not an “Intellectual” exercise. It is a state of being”and it is real when we except it for real it is our job our responsibility to keep our children loved, safe, secure and fed well at all times till they are ready  to leave and maybe do the same with their children, every action and word has a reaction.

Really think about the kinds of values you would want to install in your children. The brain of a child is like a little sponge, it will soak everything up, hold it for as long as it can and then it will wring itself back out. If you want what comes back out of their sponge to be clean for them, then guess what? You need to be completely accountable for your actions.

If you are not ready for near total accountability, you are not ready to have children.  I am a capable human being but there have certainly been times where I have literally curled up into a corner and had myself good, heart-wrenching sobs. In those moments I felt there was no possible way I could continue to go on doing what needed to be done but the important thing “never” stop questioning, because curiosity has its own reason for existing .

Children,unfortunately do not come with “time-outs,” however, their needs must be met. In those times I have always managed to pick myself back up and continue to be the capable human being my children deserve and have helped make me. Don’t worry that children never listen to you; worry that they “are always watching you”! and If you have never been hated by your child at some point you have never been a parent.

I have six children and my son’s and daughters know that I may get mad at them from time to time. I may not like some of the things they choose to do, but they know my love for them can never and will never waver no matter what and where ever life may lead them. I will always be right there and this will last the rest of my life,.. it isn’t like a pet where you make a commitment for upwards of the next 18 years tops. A lot of people have this vague notion that once a child turns 18 a parents job is done. If you’re one of them I suggest getting a pet instead of having child .. Look making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.

Like I said before please Really think about the kinds of values you would want to install in your children.. if you think about it our story’s are  being written with each new day where you have a chance to collect yourself and prioritise with what is most important to you and your children. Changing your frame of mind for the better can bring wonderful new changes that little bit closer, taking it as an opportunity to reinvent yourself and find a passionate happier life that is right in front of you.  take care of each new day as you make your countless choices .

Copyright © 2010,2015 Joanne Wellington All Rights Reserved.

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How to deal with your break up after many years “appropriately!!!”

The whole point of a relationship is to be happy.

Thousands of marriages break up every year, that’s a sad fact. They start out great, but something happens along the way. It could be almost immediately that the signs begin showing that one or both mates aren’t happy, or it could take years it could be that you just grew apart that you just don’t have the same interests anymore.

Money careers and egos are often behind the most break up of a marriage but there are  other reasons that marriages break up, but shouldn’t. The lack of communication is one reason why marriages finally fall apart.

Respect Some couples, begin their relationships just by talking, and talking. Then one day, you notice that you don’t talk as much as you used to or that the conversations have little meaning. There could be many different reasons behind this. One is that the couple are tired after Work, and caring for children, and just don’t feel like talking. After many months or years of this, you seem to lose the connection you once had. Another communication problem is pretending to like something you don’t, in order to make the other person happy. Good intentions, but they often go sour after you realize that you don’t want to pretend any more. Now the only thing left to do is hurt the person’s feelings or let them know you lied and were only pretending the entire time. This often causes one mate to lose respect for the other and without respect a relationship cannot run as it should.

Jealousy Another reason that many marriages break up. Once Married many people expect their mate to give up friendships, particularly ones with the opposite sex. Many women don’t want men to go out for a night with the boys; many men want their woman to speak to no other man. Arguments follow, and hard feelings. Distrust and finally bitterness result in not being frank with each other about this topic from the beginning. Marriage will change previous relationships somewhat, but no one should have to give up their previous friendships to suit a mate. Trust is important in a relationship and trust goes out the window when either party becomes jealous and it just simply cannot work without trust no matter how hard you try.

Love. When people fall in love, they do so for a number of reasons. But  For some people it is because they are lonely, and they have been longing to meet someone that they can talk to and spend time with at an intimate level. Though they might have friends, they feel their life is incomplete until they meet that someone. And once they meet that someone, they discover that they really didn’t need that person. They realize that they can stand up on their own. What they were looking for, they already had. They just never realized that. Thus they fell in love for the wrong reason and once that reason is fulfilled, they fall out of love.

But during this period a lot can happen like getting marred and having children together which changes everything altogether and even if you fall out of love when you have children many people do go on and chose to live a lie for the  sake of the children’s so much time in ones life is use on trying to build on this route.. when two people  have children together anyway it creates a type close to unconditional  caring love because you created another human being between you that will be forever shared ” but this is still much different from being in love” so no matter what happens you can still love each other and care a lot. So for the one that has lived the lie and for them to finely stand up and call it a day, which will happen eventually that person is probably in much more pain than you are for having to live the lie and go without true love for the one they cared about for so long.   this is the most hardest part of a break up in most marriages or long term relationships that person that has left you gave there life and time to you as much as you did them so to think that it’s just you suffering is a loud of self blinding ego ruling you..

After the relationship ends, how can you behave in a way that says you respect yourself and the situation? It’s hard because just ending a relationship can make you feel you’ve failed somehow. Still, it’s important that you respect yourself as a person and carry on.

First off for your children You and your x-mate will always be their parents. Your children need to know that they are not losing the love and care of either parent. They need to know that neither of you is divorcing your children. Reassure them that, although you and your spouse are no longer together, they will always belong to both of you.

Gather your support. Now is the time you need your friends and family, more than ever. Don’t try to go it alone but also remember your x-mate  also need support as you do, Trying to take and turn their family against them to support yourself  is  serious mental, and emotional abuse towards  your x-mate the other parent of your children, don’t forget both parents are needed in their life as are the rest of their family on both sides.. what kind of parent would do this to there children..but some people do this without thinking straight this really is between yourselves and you children NOT NO ONE ELSE.

Warnings

      • Don’t release your bad feelings on your ex mate physically. This type of rash action can have serious and lingering consequences.
      • Don’t ever use your children to fuel for your anger this is between you and your ex the children’s other parent why should your child be without one or the other..children’s success in adjusting to separation and divorce depends very much on the success of their parents’ adjustment. If you are coping well, they will cope well too. Your biggest tasks are to show that you have good coping skills and to encourage your children to keep on communicating with you both unless in cases of serious physical, mental, and emotional child abuse then it would be different.
      • To share your feelings.. Slagging off you x-mate and what your going through in front of a big audience like face book for instance is also disrespecting yourself as well as your x mate and your children. This type of behaviour is the same again mental, and emotional abuse.. once again. It’s not no ones fault when two mates or one of you fall out of love it happens it’s a part of life some people grow and some don’t. Using your ex partners family and friends that you shard together as your defence against them can have serious consequences also on them’ your x and your children this  is serious mental, and emotional abuse.
      • Don’t do anything dangerous or harmful to yourself. The pain, anguish, and anger you feel will pass – hard as it may seem to believe at the moment. Give yourself some time to feel better. Remember it’s like a broken bone: it hurts something awful at the beginning, but in time it is already beginning to heal and feel better.
      • Most of all doing the grown up thing is to accept the relationship is clearly not working and is over Don’t beg. your  mate who broke up with you. they already made up there mind. No matter how shocked, panicked, and in pain you are, don’t beg them for another chance or blackmail them with your children. It’s very hard to do, but to let this end leaving you with some shred of dignity, just say to them “I’m so sad about this, but if that’s your decision, I have no choice but to accept it,” is much more dignified than screaming,”No, don’t leave me! I’ll do anything you want me to!!” Let them leave and then pitch your hysterical fit and just understand they are hurting as much as you are.

In life as you go on you will realize that there is a purpose for every person you meet People come into your life to teach you things and learn from you don’t be disheartened, let down or upset if they need walk away.. Why ? because they were only meant to show you something, whether its patience, tolerance, humility, some are only there to parent your children …!Some are there to test you, some will use you, some will teach you, empathy or maybe just to be better than them; let them go with gladness in your heart because it is all part of their journey as well as yours, they obviously have further to walk than you. last of all some will bring out the best in you and some just wont so move on its needed..!
Wish them luck as you wave them goodbye… its all part of life evolving.

 All I can say is god bless you all and Please take care xxx

Copyright © 2010,2015 Joanne Wellington All Rights Reserved

Women, Abuse, and Why They Stay

I am proud of my parents because they gave me a great childhood! It was not  perfect-perfect, but I had a VERY happy time with lots of love and affection  from both of my parents and my grandma. Now that I am an adult I understand that  I got very lucky, because most people don’t have it for one reason or  another.

abused-womanOnce I had a conversation with a very old friend (I’ve known her since I was  five). We talked about the good old times, and I realized that one of my  childhood memories is connected to an instance of abuse in families. Our family  used to live in the apartment building. One of our neighbors was an artist. The  neighbors all said he was very talented and recognized by the society.

However, that guy was an alcoholic and hit his wife all the time. I remember  that I could hear his yelling and his wife screaming! It was so odd to me at the  time. I remember when my parents and other neighbors tried to talk to him many times. For a few weeks we had a quiet  existence but it never last for long. Women in the neighborhood talked to his  wife. They were trying to convince her to make a decision, to call to the police  or to leave him. But she always refused. She said she had three sons, she didn’t  have a job and even if she did she couldn’t support three boys by herself. So,  her choice was to stay with this terrible person!

Women stay in abusive relationships not only in the situations when they have  nowhere to go or no money to survive. Very often they stay with abusive men  because they think that the guy “loves” them and they “love” him. This is hard  to believe for a lot of people but unfortunately it is what they truly  think!

Once, my girlfriend’s parents picked her up at the hospital because the “love of her life” hit her!  When I asked her why she was still with the guy, she said that he was an  amazing, intelligent, funny person, but sometimes he cannot control his temper.  She added: “When he is in a good mood he  can make me very happy. But nobody is perfect”.

I was speechless! “Nobody is perfect!?” He could kill her!

It proved that most of these decisions people make is because of the money  issues or fear of something. There are different fears: fear of being alone,  fear that nobody will like you, and fear of not having children. Fear, fear,  fear. We cannot be prisoners of fear and let other people tell us what to  do!

I was thinking about abuse a lot. Why do women let themselves be in this  situation? I am not only talking about  physical abuse. I also mean emotional abuse. I talked with my mom about my  friend. My mom said that some women couldn’t stand up for themselves and be  strong enough to oppose the abuse. Probably those women were abused when they  were children, got used to it and brought the terrible relationship pattern into  their adulthood.

For some people childhood is the happiest time of their life – for others it  is something you have to try to deal with forever. I would like to give some  parenting advice to parents who have daughters. My father was always very gentle  and affectionate to me when I was a child, and it gave me a great deal of  confidence in life. Always respect your child. Be aware that you are responsible  for your daughter’s future, and that you want to be the kind of parent that sets  a good relationship example!

Karina  Lawrence –    About the Author:

Karina Lawrence is a full-time mom and an active participant in various moms’ blogs and other mom online community sites. She loves discussing on daily tit  bits of her parenting experience  and likes to share her ideas with other moms.

 

Child abuse~ I wake up to a bloody nose and sprained wrist.

Most kids wake up to a loving parent, or an alarm clock. I wake up to a bloody nose and sprained wrist.
Most kids eat a healthy breakfast. I eat whatever I can if there is any.
Most kids have a different uniform everyday. I wear the same one.
Most kids have lots of friends. I might have one.
Most kids don’t get bullied day-to-day. I’m lucky to not get bullied three times a day.
When most kids get home their parents say hello and fix dinner. I get shoved against a wall and am unconscious for at least an hour.
When most kids go to bed, they are snuggled warm under covers having wonderful dreams. I am laying on the floor being to not wake up the next morning.
stumble Forwards and share this if you are against child abuse.

The Pursuit of Happiness Becomes True Happiness

Let’s face it. We all want to be happy. The pursuit of happiness is a common pursuit.  We all realize, sooner or later, that outer success does not produce lasting happiness.

So what does? Loving ourselves and loving others. In fact, we can only love others authentically when we love ourselves.

So why is it that some people seem to feel self love easily, while others spend their lives searching in relationships or career accomplishments to find it? While it may seem cliche, the answer does seem to point to experiences in childhood.

What we know as self esteem begins, originally, in the esteem parents have for their children. Through the simplest acts of touch, attention to feelings, and guidance toward accomplishment, a child comes to see their own worth reflected in their parents’ eyes. They see themselves as love-able i.e. worthy and able to be loved.

These feelings are so powerful that they have been found to influence longevity. When through various forms of abuse and neglect a child fails to get this mirror of love, two things happen. First the child begins to take in the feeling of defectiveness or un-loveability. Since, to a child, a parent is God, parental abuse and neglect (including insensitivity to feelings) is experienced as justified. “If mommy or daddy treats me this way, it must be my fault.”

A second thing also happens. Children are masters at devising strategies to get love or prevent abandonment. A common “protective strategy” is perfectionism. “If I’m perfect, then mommy or daddy will love me.”

The search for perfection can become a lifetime one, whether it be for the perfect partner, the perfect accomplishment, or the perfect amusement or “high.” But the result will always be disappointing. Nothing can replace self love.

Is there hope for those who didn’t get enough love in childhood? The answer is a resounding yes!! But like anything worthwhile, it takes effort. The key is in the way we experience our memories of parenting.

Rather than being simply static memories from childhood, each of us carries within our mind an “inner parent,” a voice which talks to us much as our parents did. If our parenting was primarily supportive, our self talk will be so also. If our parenting was primarily negative, we will tend to be self critical much of the time.

Some of this self criticism will be a simple replay of what we heard. More often, though, a child criticizes themselves to protect their relationship with parents. In this fact lies both the source of much of our distress — and the seed of our renewal.

Once we realize that people with high self-esteem talk lovingly to themselves — especially when under stress, and those with low self-esteem are self critical, we create for ourselves a pathway to change. The goal becomes changing the way we talk to ourselves.

Three Steps to Move from a Pursuit of Happiness to True Happiness

Step One: Awareness

It’s amazing how differently we can talk to ourselves at different times. If we’re having a good day, our mind often reflects this in positive thoughts. Often, at such times, our mind can be very quiet and peaceful.

Contrast this with times we’re under stress or after experiencing some disappointment. At those times our mind can be quite negative and quite “busy.”

In my experience, when our mind is full of anxiety, and general static, we are often re-experiencing a “child state of mind.” In essence, a negative life event has sent us shuttling back in time to experience younger feelings. Once we can recognize how we’ve gone from feeling expansive and adult to insecure and childlike we have an amazing gift. We can feel compassion.

Step Two: Compassion

When ever we shift into an insecure child state of mind (we all do at times), we each “go home” to specific inner experiences of support, abuse, or neglect. Depending on our particular childhood, we will be able to generate self love and self care at such times, or not.

But whatever happens, it’s not our fault. This fact is crucial. Once we recognize that it’s only by the luck of the draw that we go home, in our minds, to inner parental support, we become more empathic.

We can feel love for ourselves and our particular story. From that compassion we can truly take better care of ourselves. We can undertake authentic adult action.

Step Three: Authentic Adult Action

In a child state of mind, we often feel passive and helpless. Our self talk includes either anxious statements like “I’ll never be good enough,” ” I can’t do it,” “If only,” or self critical ones “snap out of it,” “grow up,” or “stop making a mountain out of a molehill.”

Once we recognize that we’re in a child state, and have compassion to our unique childhood experience, we need to actively assert our adult energies. Authentic adult actions are those which help us shift us out of a child state to a more expansive and adult sense of ourselves. Simply put, authentic adult action involves greater self care.

Sometimes this involves just accepting our current feelings as a reflection of earlier childhood experience. At other times, it includes actively taking better care of needs. Whether it be preparing a nice meal for ourselves or calling a friend, authentic adult action is, in essence, being like a “positive self parent.”

Often, too, authentic adult action involves challenging our stream of negative self talk. This is much easier to do when we realize that we’re in a child state of mind. We may be stuck in the pursuit of happiness and not truly happy.  Whenever we’re having catastrophic “what if” thoughts about the future, we can become more relaxed if we recognize that our thinking may be more that of a young child than a full adult.

This can give us compassion — and, often, a humorous perspective. The three keys to self love and truer happiness are awareness, compassion, and authentic adult action.

About the Author:

Norm Ephraim, Ed.D., is a licensed psychologist in Boston, Mass. specializing in the treatment of anxiety and depression. He is the author of Mood Shifting: Understanding and Transforming Your Negative Moods.
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