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What it’s like to live life with a deceased suicide family member.

First things first although commonalities exist amongst people who have experienced a certain type of loss, individual grief is unique to the person experiencing it and their relationship with the person who died.  Although we can talk in averages and generalities, no article, grief theory, or set of symptoms will ever perfectly sum up your grief experience. Further, although you might be able to relate to aspects of another person’s grief (and vice versa), no one can completely understand how anyone else feels. With this in mind, we recommend you learn what you can from your commonalities with other grievers but take differences with a grain of salt.

Well, where do I start between 2018- 2019 I’ve experienced some of the hardest

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Shaun & Mellissa click me!

challenges to date throughout this year. I feel incredibly vulnerable and I know for sure my brother Michael does too! For this year alone he has lost first a daughter and 10 months later he’s lost a son both in a way, the same way to “mental health issues”. So yes there’s been a level of rawness and hopelessness throughout that I’ve not experienced before and seeing your brother go through so much is a pain like no other, it’s like you can feel every ounce of his pain it really has been like being in a horror movie that you can’t wake up from… and yes, its pain that no parent should ever have to go through. Mellissa and Shaun were their names both having left this earth plane leaving three beautiful children each behind.

Growing up was very strange for us younger siblings as we were the same age as our
nephews and nieces but it was a good strange because we got to grow up together, like a little team of best friends we were more like brothers and sisters more than us being aunt and uncles which is what we were meant to be, we would just tell people we were cousins in the earlier days. We went on so many missions and adventures and have so many good memories together, yes it was a friendship that created a tight bond and those bonds will never be broken and love will never get lost… life now is certainly not going to be the same without them, we were meant to grow old together. Yes, I’m crying and wiping my eyes as I write this… They were some of the nicest people you could have ever met so it’s very hard to understand WHY? and yes why is it always the best people

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Nephew & Niece’s with their Father

we never get the chance to say goodbye to properly or that have to just leave too early… Their absence will certainly be felt and they will be missed dearly every day.

I think cousins, nephews, and nieces are in a good position to do that because they’re one step removed from siblings anyway. I saw it written once that nobody understands your crazy family like cousins do, and I do think there’s some truth in that. I’ve not talked much about this before but I to have lost babies one would have been 22 anther 20 and another 18 now and that alone was heart-wrenching, but this is a different level of grief and I believe that there are many levels of grief but depending on each person affected everyone is different!.

I’ve also lost my mother to MND “motor nurone disease “another one of the worst diseases to ever have to watch in a loved one there’s just so much pain and suffering. We’ve also lost our father to ” coronary heart disease” and “prostate cancer” and lost many aunts and uncles and all our grandparents.

How can we talk about suicide…?

Although there are many fine points to this conversation, I simply want to impress the following upon you… When referring to an individual’s death from suicide…

Don’t say… “She committed suicide.”  Do say… “he’s killed himself” or “She died by suicide”

I know most of you are used to saying, “committed suicide” and you certainly aren’t alone. Many people in our society have yet to get this memo, but now you have. Please, the time has come for us to choose language around suicide that does not condemn or stigmatise the person who has died or those who love them and are left behind.

There are other traumatic loss risk factors associated with suicide such as feelings of blame, witnessing death, and finding the body.  Deaths that are also potentially traumatic events can result in the compounding and intertwining of trauma and grief responses. These may manifest as the following.

  • Recurrent intrusive thoughts about the death
  • Shattered assumptions about the world, oneself, and others
  • Fear and avoidance of grief and trauma emotions, thoughts, memories, etc.
  • Feelings of guilt and blame

When grieving a suicide death, one may experience…

The search for answers:

In the wake of death, people often seek to construct a meaningful narrative that helps them to find peace and understanding of what happened. So, it’s common to ask questions like “what if?”, “why?”, and “what’s the point?” Until the question of “why” can be answered, grieving family and friends may continue to search and ruminate.

After a suicide death, as with any other type of death, the bereaved may seek to make40104085_10214932548741074_8054645890117271552_n sense of what happened.  However, in this instance, they may find that many of their questions are either unanswerable or they lead to distressing conclusions (whether these conclusions are true or not). It is not uncommon for themes of personal blame to arise as the person questions their role in their loved one’s suicide and what they could have done to prevent their death. Unfortunately, the bereaved may vastly overestimate their own role and the role of others (i.e. what family and friends did or didn’t do), as opposed to blaming things like mental illness which is quite often present and to blame.

Whether rational or not, grieving family and friends may struggle with distressing thoughts like…

  • I never really knew him I mean really knew him.
  • She didn’t feel comfortable confiding in me what did I do wrong.
  • Oh no, he was in intense pain!
  • I’m to blame. I should have done more to prevent his death.
  • I’m to blame. I pushed him into the decision to kill himself.
  • She didn’t love me enough to live.
  • My family members are to blame.
  • It was his fault, or it was her fault.
  • Family Conflict

Family can be an incredible source of comfort and healing after a death…for some.  For others, family can be a source of distressing conflict and misunderstanding after a death. Regardless of the circumstances surrounding the death, things like complicated family dynamics, shifting roles, and different coping styles can test and challenge a family. After a suicide death, additional conflict may emerge because…

  • The deceased’s mental illness and suicidal behaviour created disruption and placed strain on the family as a whole.
  • Family members disagree about how they want to acknowledge the death publicly.
  • Family members disagree about how they want to discuss death privately within the family.
  • Different family members come up with different explanations for why their loved one killed him- or herself
  • Blame

Feelings of rejection and abandonment:

Evidence has shown that suicidally bereaved individuals experience higher levels of rejection compared with other bereaved groups. In grief, feelings of guilt, blame, regret, and rejection can be logical, but they can also defy all logic and reason. So even when it’s evident that the suicide was not an act of intentional abandonment, it still may feel that way to the people who grieve the death.

The truth of what it’s like being on the receiving end after they’ve left!

So here it is…This is the truth of being a bereaved parent, brother, sister, aunt, uncle, cousin, grandparent “what it’s like to live life with a deceased suicide family member that you love very dearly because some people “just can’t fathom it”… Well, let me do my best to explain it in a way that can be understood…

It’s being dead but still being able to breathe, barely.

It’s like having your entire world thrown into a blender and mixed up to a liquid. Having your heart and lungs ripped out of your body so violently and never put back. Leaving a hole in your chest that will never heal and seeps pain, tears, anger, hate, and regret.

It’s like living in a dream that you can never wake up from, except it’s a fucking nightmare. A lifelong fucking nightmare.

It’s like having a large glass jar filled with happiness and you drop it on the ground and all the happiness blows away in the wind to never return.

It’s like having a million people around hugging and loving you but you still feel completely images (3)alone. Going from having people to talk with to having not one person message or call anymore because they don’t know what to say to you … at all, about anything…

It’s standing in the kitchen cooking food for the ones still here and crying so hard you can’t see yourself burning the food.

Some days it’s falling to the floor, screaming so hard that no sound comes out and you run out of breath but don’t stop screaming until you are hyperventilating and dizzy.

It’s a million little demons battling one single tiny angel in your brain, testing to see if you’re strong enough or not to survive this.

It’s like always trying to convince yourself that people want you around even though you feel like you’re just a placement for convenience in this world and in people’s lives.

Honestly. It’s like knowing that you’re going to die eventually and embracing it with open arms like a long-lost friend.

It’s like you holding on with everything you have and feel it all melt away.

No, it doesn’t get better. It doesn’t get easier. You just learn to live, to survive.”

The pain is just past on and I believe you have to watch it from the other side when you get there so it just won’t help.

Fear of grief reactions:

After death mourners often feel as though they are going crazy, and, as noted, those who have experienced a traumatic loss often experience intensified and prolonged grief/trauma reactions.

Relief:

It is common for a person to feel relieved after a loved one dies when the loved one had been living in pain and suffering. For those who die from illness, the relief comes from

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knowing they are no longer in physical pain.  And when a person dies from something like suicide or overdose, the relief may come from a place of knowing that their loved one is no longer struggling with emotional (and sometimes physical) pain.

Another reason someone might feel relief is if the loved one’s suicidal behaviour (or other types of behaviour) had put a strain on their family or other types of relationships. This doesn’t mean that the person grieving the loss wouldn’t trade their relief to have their loved one back for just one moment, or that they don’t also feel intense pain and sadness. It just means that relief is one feeling in their big, messy, hurricane of grief.

Feelings of isolation, stigma and/or shame:

Sadly, there is a stigma attached to mental illness and suicide.  Others can’t imagine the mental and emotional pain that would cause a person to kill themselves and so they might make assumptions or judge the deceased’s actions, calling them weak or selfish or who knows what else.

This being the case, it’s no wonder that many people choose not to open up about their loved one’s death.  Stigmatised losses may also be referred to as disenfranchised losses.  The following are just a few potential causes for isolation, stigma, and shame following a suicide death:

Isolation and shame may result in the family’s decision to keep the suicide a secret. Feeling unable to acknowledge the truth, those grieving the loss may feel as though they have to lie or live in silence.

  • Shame may result from thoughts of personal blame and responsibility.
  • Shame may result from the belief that one can’t control or manage their own grief reactions.
  • Isolation and shame may result from a lack of social support or because others don’t acknowledge the death.
  • Shame, isolation, and stigma may be felt in response to messages from media and broader society about suicide
  • Isolation may result from perceived rejection and thoughts of worthlessness.

In this day and age with the way things are now this stigmatising just has to stop and people really need to look at things differently, because from what I can see with the numbers of suicides, the mental health and the anxiety in the world rising so high theirs a bit of a chain reaction going on here!

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Shaun was already struggling with “mental health “ but losing his sister, it became too unbearable for him to acknowledge the truth of it and he was finding it hard to deal with.  Because of how soon it was between Mellissa losing her life and now suddenly Shaun. We the family are trying so hard to collect donations from anyone willing to help towards Shaun’s funeral costs. At the moment it’s impossible for Mom and Dad to pay for two in one year. I’m going to be putting a link in right “here for Shaun” Help raise funds for this unfortunate sad loss of yet another one of the family members. It was very unexpected and a complete shock to the family and we would very much appreciate any help that is possible… Just £1 each could help us to reach our goal and help us give Shaun the send-off  he deserves thank you to everyone for your help xx

As you know Melissa passed last year well, we managed to raise £2000 towards Melissa’s three children’s first Christmas without her and we’d like to thank everyone again that donated as it certainly made a big difference although it will never be the same without their mother thank you.xxx

In the meantime every day find time to talk with someone you don’t know. Listen to their story. Do it in person. Learn from them. Be your brother’s keeper, your sister’s shelter. When a neighbour is in need or a thirsty young mind is denied the challenges and opportunities to grow and flourish, or a sister or brother is crushed by a purposefully flawed criminal justice system that rewards winning rather than justice, find a way to do something about it now.

If you have a teacher or mentor who made a great or even small impact on your life, tell them. Call them, write to them, let them know what a wonderful impact they had on you. Life is too short not to validate the ones who have changed our lives in a profound way. Then there will be no regrets when they pass on because you already told them what was in your heart, and your life will be richer for it in ways that you never dreamed. It’s not about being perfect.

Young people need to know that the things that make you successful at school, like following rules, working the hardest and being perfect, are not what will make you happy outside of school. Follow your instincts, experiment, try things out, talk to people “way out of your professional league,” and keep dreaming big dreams. There is always a way out no matter how bad it seems — that job, that career path, that relationship — trust yourself enough to let it go if it is making you question your self-worth or it isn’t what you want to be remembered for. God bless you all and please take care of you and your loved ones.💚°*”˜.•°*”˜♥ ˜”*°•.˜”*°💚

 

Copyright © 2019  Joanne Wellington All Rights Reserved.

 

If you are grieving a loved one’s death from suicide you may find these resources helpful:

https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/a-to-z/s/suicide

https://www.moodjuice.scot.nhs.uk/Bereavement.asp

https://www.mindwell-leeds.org.uk/myself/feeling-unwell/i-am-experiencing-bereavement-or-loss

https://papyrus-uk.org/dont-avoid-me-just-ask-me/

https://www.thelisteningear.org.uk/facing-grief/bereaved-by-suicide/

#grief #loss #parenting #grieving parents #bereaved#

Responsibility and Blame

What is the difference between responsibility and blame? The most basic answer to that question is judgment; when you blame you judge. According to Merriam Webster, responsibility is defined as the quality or state of being responsible as a: moral, legal, or mental accountability. Blame, however, is defined by finding fault with someone or something.  The most obvious difference when examining these definitions is judgment. If someone blames you for something, they have found fault with something that you have done or some decision that you made. If you are to blame then something you have said or done has caused an adverse or undesired outcome.

blameI, like millions of other people, grew up in a less than ideal environment. That environment hindered my growth and development during that time. That environment helped shape me into the person that I have become today.  I could blame all my problems and bad decisions on my childhood.  I could blame all of life’s woes on my parents; convince myself, as well as others, they are terrible people or at least terrible parents. However, any such ascertain would not only be unrealistic, it would be a lie. The truth is my parents did the best they could with the information they had available to them at the time. My parents will always be my greatest teachers. My parents may have made some decisions I wish they wouldn’t have, but to blame them takes away any personal responsibility. I used to blame all my hardships on my mother, especially, and I can assure you it never did me any good.  My mother always says, “that was then and this is now” and she is right; choosing to forgive all involved and take responsibility for my part in the dysfunction helped significantly. I allowed myself to learn very valuable lessons and move on with my life and even become a better person. There is payoff in the pain; being the victim and blaming others only allows you to feel helpless, and feeling this way allows for you not to make the necessary changes that will improve your quality of life.  I do realize that not everyone had a “bad” childhood but everyone has adversity that must be overcome at some point in his or her life.

Taking responsibility allows us to learn from our history and personal experiences, where as blame is just a judgment that keeps you stuck in your own personal emotional hell. Blame is a judgment that prevents us from learning from our experiences and moving on in a healthy way that is beneficial for all involved. The economy is not in chaos because of one person’s greedy decision. Our way of life has not fundamentally changed because one powerful man or woman said it should. Our current dire circumstances are a direct result of everyone’s decisions. We have corrupt politicians but they work for us and we elected them into office. We have created many of the problems that we are facing, and now is the time to take responsibility and shift into a new way of relating to each other, shifting into the next paradigm.  Stop pointing your finger with blame because every time you do there are usually three more fingers pointing back at you.  The big book tells addicts that they have “stinking thinking” and it is that thinking that got them into trouble in the first place.  Shift from blame to responsibility and help yourself and the rest of us began the healing process together. Change your language and perception and you will see the world change right before your eyes.

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–    About the Author:

My name is LG Fuller and I am an aspiring author. I have always had a passion for writing and this is my attempt to turn my passion into a profession. I would love any feedback so please comment and or follow me on twitter at LGFuller07@twitter

Take 100% responsibility for your life.

Take 100% responsibility for your life. Blaming others, giving excuses, or coming up with victim stories only keep you from getting what you want.  Successful people practice asking “How did I create that situation?“, “What did I do or not do to have this outcome?”.
When you blame others forsetbacks, you become a powerless victim. What ever the life situation, you always have the power of choice. While you cannot always control outside situations, you do have the power to change yourself and respond differently.

When you believe that you are a victim, by law of attraction, the universe will bring you more reasons to strengthen the belief that you are a victim. Only when you bring the focus towards self and start taking complete responsibility for your life experiences do you start to become the powerful creator of your life. In other words, taking complete responsibility moves you from being a victim towards becoming a victor.

Physical pain doesn’t phase many people…its the mental that creates such problems…

Written by Joanne Wellington

Physical pain doesn’t phase many people…its the mental that creates such problems…if one is mentally hurting themselves through thought why should every one else suffer around them it achieves absolutely nothing “its wrong” …

if your desires are not materializing as quickly as you want, ask yourself :

  • am I trying to hard too make something happen?
  • do I have underlying fears that my dreams wont come true
  • do I have fixed ideas about how I desire my life to be
  • am I blaming someone for this situation so I cant blame myself. fact only you is to blame hard but true.

any “yes” answers indicate a need to let go and surrender for the sake of your well being yourself and all around you…when you wish to control situations or people ( including yourself) its simply a sign of fear and distrust the world can become your enemy…turn negativity into positive…worry, anger, resentment, and the likes are called “negative emotions” because they drain away time and energy… since feelings such as joy  elation and hope increases your power levels, they’re called “ positive.” Worry is a normal human habit. yet its effects are undesirable, including stress, tension, aging, addictions, sleeplessness, and time consumption. And the same is true for all negative emotions. You can transform these feelings into positive ones by remembering this:

Usually anxiety is the basis of negative emotion. It’s a fear of losing something or someone, or having it withheld from you. its an affirmation that some power other than yourself is in control…. its like the more you value a dream, the more important the desire is to deliver to yourself ..but not realizing that your inviting a parade of anxiety if it don’t work out which could march all over your dreams and smother the life force out of it stopping you from going “forth” at that moment. There is a point were every one has to release and realize… if your trust has been shaken and you feel the need for iron clad guarantees, there are better ways than mental `or physical torture witch does begin with yourself then the next person that you feel is hurting you and so forth whether they are or not…( just let go) know that you or this other individual simply needs reassurance that’s it . WHY go through such pain its simply not worth it… only you can manifest the perfect outcome to any situation but it has to be for the best from good intentions the more you’re aware of this truth, the more peaceful you’ll feel. And with peace comes the knowledge that everything truly is under control. . just find balance an important part of our life’s purpose involves making decisions having responsibilities and having duties to perform, sometimes we may wonder how to achieve a balance these different demands they are conflicting for many people …. by holding a positive mind-set even through the bad, the bad is there for a reason it is a main part of our lives it helps change our way of thinking for the better but you have to believe this …love is also an important need a desire in our life and noticing this is a simple route to happiness but you Have  got to give to receive …(positive mind set) love and balance …there a vital investment that pays huge dividends’ in terms of increasing energy, motivation, and inspiration to go forwards in our life.

Make a fresh start in your life today you can change your mind set within a moment, for the better life can only be as good as what you what you want to make it.

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