Sometimes we have to make choices we’d rather not …I have made mine.
The family I grew up with all have Two faces… they made me choose.
I will explain a little on how I got here to writing and blogging…living a life to what I once thought was quite contently average and normal ..When we were young life was easier, right? You see, when we were young we saw the world through simple, hopeful eyes. As we grew older our minds became gradually disillusioned by negative external influences. but growing to find that most of my brothers and sisters have two faces and finding that they didn’t look upon me and my three brothers the same as we did them, or even think the same as we did at all was not an illusion I would like to have hoped for..
I always looked up to them with love and respect’ as I am the youngest child but one’ of 13 from two marriages. I was young, I thought everyone in my family was innocent not perfect” but my family “and we all know no one is perfect!..Now that I have grown up, I see that most people in my family are destructive, to themselves and all around them, but do not appear to be able to see what they are doing or how wrong they may be, especially the one’s that have been closest to me in my life.
I can’t prove anything and everything seems like it was so important to hold onto and because it was important to me to keep them in my life, but they are just so out of line with selfish, judgmental prodigies …my family is filled with secrets that just drown themselves in drinking, snorting, betting, thieving , smoking , depression,self pitty, and always wanting one up on the other holding grudges, playing mind games, and subtly deceiving others and themselves to get ahead, and discard anyone that’s not the same’ if your not negative or as they are then your not normal full stop… well this is not human.
“I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody… always believe in yourself .” That meant I was and am a threat to every member in my family because I have a heart because I care and will speak my mind for what I believe in at the right time ‘ because I will fight for what is right. I can really relate to the film Matilda, I Always stay true to myself most importantly true to people in general,. no two faces, no picking faults in people just straight forward, and awake that knows right from wrong
”My family turned out to be the enemy”
But it doesn’t faze me any more I always knew I was different to the people in my circle of life and that I am… See also Who-are- we- really- and- why -are- we- here? ”I forgive and still love them” but cannot trust them to be around emotionally or physically for me or my children as they just have to take so much from us, I tried and tried for years as the way I believe it having a family is to support you and you them as you go through life and it is of monumental importance that families should stick together always keep your family close despite highs and lows ins and outs family is family and should always be guarded with a river of unconditional love surrounding them always , I myself have been there for a lot of my family unconditionally not realising that I was being mocked most of the time; finding out as far as most of them are concerned me my little brother and my two brothers up from me, “we simply wasn’t meant to be here we really shouldn’t have existed !!!” but those three brothers choosing not to see this truth about how the rest feel.
It is a shame and heart braking as I love all my family deeply but when I look at it that is a small microcosm of what’s really going on It’s through the trials, that we grow .. It is when we are on our knees – we can then stand tall one again!~ but no one will listen. When I mean no one, I mean my family that I grew up with, My path has indeed been a lonely one since my mother and father passed back to spirit as my mother was my best friend …the hardest part has been to try to teach my children how not to be like the rest of them as we bring our children up to love their aunts, uncles, nephew and nieces naturally but it has been terribly hard as they grow older you want them to know all their family don’t you well I did but how do you go about it without your children thinking that you my be the one in the wrong or two faced just like them when trying to explain such things to them I have struggled greatly with this matter and desperately needed help but never knew anyone that could give the right support until recently meeting new friends, my best friend and through blogging which made it to late for two of my girls. It’s a catch 22 situation and really not fair to have to be in sucha position, as they wanted to stay in their family’s life’s and be as they are and do as they do but why with so much suffering? But I must take some more blame also as I continued to teach my children to see the good in them and not judge them like they taught their children to judge me and my family. It was through their children that I saw so much I didn’t want to see .
I just know my girls and they will see and understand eventually and I know because they grew up with me and they do hold many qualities and a good understanding of life but that’s for when they are ready to use it as for many other people it just means many tough times ahead for them “life’s lessons”. we have to remember Life is a mirror, and what you see out there, you must first see inside of you ..
”Follow your heart you cannot live your life for someone else’s… Don’t waste your life fulfilling someone else’s dreams and desires”~JW
This is what I say to myself now.
Dear Joanne wellington,
First off, I’m so sorry that you had to endure the hardship of being in a family that didn’t cherish you, provide for you, and put your needs above their own as you have them and as you were the youngest and innocent of their selfish road of blame, and to shame you . You certainly didn’t get off to a good start in life and I hope you know that you are not to blame.
Secondly, you are really faced with just “two choices”. The First being to stay at least partly connected to your family and continuing to let them damage your mental state from the destruction they ensure. The second choice is to break away completely from them and start a new life for yourself and your children. This is a tough choice and it takes a lot of courage because even though our families can be horrible, we still are emotionally attached to them in some way.
From my perspective I see you as having a great amount of character and determination to survive the way you have, despite the circumstances you were living in or have known all your life. Now use that same strength of character to start a new life. Find a Faith Community that will show you what love, truth and honesty truly is and find a good counselor that will help you undo the lies that you believe about yourself and the world because of your family.
You have a lot to offer the world and people will be helped by your experiences and your strength. There are good people out there and awaits you is a life free from all this, just start taking steps towards this and don’t look back. ” Don’t worry about what anyone else say’s, .. you are unique & strong, Let yourself be you & let the sun shine through ” ~
It is through my brothers and sisters and their children that my worries and concerns for my children and also for many of you out there that have had to endure probably similar experiences, the people I don’t know. It is having a knowing and a desire to share with like minded people the things that are more than what I was meant to believe in if I was to keep my family around me…
Holding my head up high
I must say though A while back when I started this page, many questions arose in my mind such as:
Who am I to inspire/motivate others?
What are my qualifications in self-help and spirituality?
All I can write is technical specifications and C/Java/Perl code – Will the dry logic of an engineer and web designer ever be suitable for a topic that needs so much heart?
If I had listened to these doubts, I would have never got started. My real learning started after I started my page’s. I grew with the page’s, because I put myself in a situation where I needed to let loose. I gave up the need to be perfect, and accepted the risk of not appearing knowledgeable in the topics I post and possibly penalised even further for those that chose to remain sleeping. But I have learned and still am learning from all of you readers as much as the posts themselves. I am glad I took the plunge. This is a reminder for myself as well, as in every step of the way, the mind wants to be in a comfort zone. Yet, success lies in stretching yourself beyond your current comfort zone – in taking the plunge. You grow wings only as you make an effort to fly.
All I did was make the choice one day to go from being a “victim” to my new position as “co-creator” of my destiny and to become a part of your destiny even for a few moments, and to share With all beyond my family that are ready to be open to all new possibilities my intention is only to give you tools, information to share ideas to help you find more insight so you can make better choices as you walk your path and i do it all with good intentions out of love.~There are two types of people who will tell you that you cannot make a difference in this world: Those who are afraid to try and those who are afraid you will succeed….~
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Every cloud has a silver lining. ♥
♥*♫*Smile .. *☆ * ♥
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In life you will realize that there is a purpose for every person you meet …!
Some are there to test you, some will use you, some will teach you, and some will bring out the best in you and some just wont so move on..! ♥
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Wishing you all a luscious, sensual, warm, loving, joyful and restful life ~A Path To Enlightenment… god bless you and take care Joanne! xxx
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