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The biggest question of all time “WHY”..?

They say its a jungle out there  and yes it is .  if ever we’ve lived in a time of all-powerful “That is now”.

Why

“They” or “us” are the ones ready with the solution for everything that keeps us awake at night: with the questions on ..how can I lose weight?  Get healthy?  Find the love of my life? Maintain the love of my life? Make my children’s life better? Snag the right job?  Get out of debt? Keep all the people I care about in my life? Yet even Google, twitter http://mediumsworld.wordpress.com/ the internet itself and the gaggles of gurus don’t make the questions go away “WHY”.

We’re taking more pills to fall asleep than ever (and asking our doctors for them by name)., store shelves are stuffed with diet and exercise books, but 65 percent of us remain overweight. Countless how-to quit smoking  guides exist to prevent  the certain deaths of one of every two smokers, and informed decisions about the effects of alcohol on  lives and lifestyles.  alcohol education programmes, grants, expert information, and resources to help create awareness around alcohol units and alcohol related issues.

Forty-eight million adults continue to light up each day each year to help us understand what the hell is going on.

But yet the world is still awash with questions and answers, so “WHY” aren’t we-or-it–getting any better…”WHY”…?

The fact is that an ever-changing world and our perpetually evolving lives guarantee that we all share the same piece of real estate,. our human address is indeed on the edge-of chaos and clarity, of struggle and success, of wondering and wisdom and more often than not we are dusty from the challenges of day-to -day living . The thing is every time we think we have it all worked out,  a new-or an old-question comes along to shake things up and make us feel like we’re falling off the edge once again. Even as we gather experiences that may help us shape our lives for the better and more effectively to enable us to face familiar challenges with greater  ease,  what we know in one moment does not ensure we’ll know how to face what’s next.

Life is always asking us questions and the biggest question will always be “WHY” the fact is our lives are the “answers”… life is simply what we make it… strength, courage, will power, dreams , love and desire.

WE ARE THE ANSWERIt don’t cost nothing to be nice Click below for

60 Ways To Make Life Simple Again

 

Written by Joanne Wellington for Mediums World

Copyright © 2010,2015 Joanne Wellington All Rights Reserved.

 

What it’s like to live life with a deceased suicide family member.

First things first although commonalities exist amongst people who have experienced a certain type of loss, individual grief is unique to the person experiencing it and their relationship with the person who died.  Although we can talk in averages and generalities, no article, grief theory, or set of symptoms will ever perfectly sum up your grief experience. Further, although you might be able to relate to aspects of another person’s grief (and vice versa), no one can completely understand how anyone else feels. With this in mind, we recommend you learn what you can from your commonalities with other grievers but take differences with a grain of salt.

Well, where do I start between 2018- 2019 I’ve experienced some of the hardest

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Shaun & Mellissa click me!

challenges to date throughout this year. I feel incredibly vulnerable and I know for sure my brother Michael does too! For this year alone he has lost first a daughter and 10 months later he’s lost a son both in a way, the same way to “mental health issues”. So yes there’s been a level of rawness and hopelessness throughout that I’ve not experienced before and seeing your brother go through so much is a pain like no other, it’s like you can feel every ounce of his pain it really has been like being in a horror movie that you can’t wake up from… and yes, its pain that no parent should ever have to go through. Mellissa and Shaun were their names both having left this earth plane leaving three beautiful children each behind.

Growing up was very strange for us younger siblings as we were the same age as our
nephews and nieces but it was a good strange because we got to grow up together, like a little team of best friends we were more like brothers and sisters more than us being aunt and uncles which is what we were meant to be, we would just tell people we were cousins in the earlier days. We went on so many missions and adventures and have so many good memories together, yes it was a friendship that created a tight bond and those bonds will never be broken and love will never get lost… life now is certainly not going to be the same without them, we were meant to grow old together. Yes, I’m crying and wiping my eyes as I write this… They were some of the nicest people you could have ever met so it’s very hard to understand WHY? and yes why is it always the best people

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Nephew & Niece’s with their Father

we never get the chance to say goodbye to properly or that have to just leave too early… Their absence will certainly be felt and they will be missed dearly every day.

I think cousins, nephews, and nieces are in a good position to do that because they’re one step removed from siblings anyway. I saw it written once that nobody understands your crazy family like cousins do, and I do think there’s some truth in that. I’ve not talked much about this before but I to have lost babies one would have been 22 anther 20 and another 18 now and that alone was heart-wrenching, but this is a different level of grief and I believe that there are many levels of grief but depending on each person affected everyone is different!.

I’ve also lost my mother to MND “motor nurone disease “another one of the worst diseases to ever have to watch in a loved one there’s just so much pain and suffering. We’ve also lost our father to ” coronary heart disease” and “prostate cancer” and lost many aunts and uncles and all our grandparents.

How can we talk about suicide…?

Although there are many fine points to this conversation, I simply want to impress the following upon you… When referring to an individual’s death from suicide…

Don’t say… “She committed suicide.”  Do say… “he’s killed himself” or “She died by suicide”

I know most of you are used to saying, “committed suicide” and you certainly aren’t alone. Many people in our society have yet to get this memo, but now you have. Please, the time has come for us to choose language around suicide that does not condemn or stigmatise the person who has died or those who love them and are left behind.

There are other traumatic loss risk factors associated with suicide such as feelings of blame, witnessing death, and finding the body.  Deaths that are also potentially traumatic events can result in the compounding and intertwining of trauma and grief responses. These may manifest as the following.

  • Recurrent intrusive thoughts about the death
  • Shattered assumptions about the world, oneself, and others
  • Fear and avoidance of grief and trauma emotions, thoughts, memories, etc.
  • Feelings of guilt and blame

When grieving a suicide death, one may experience…

The search for answers:

In the wake of death, people often seek to construct a meaningful narrative that helps them to find peace and understanding of what happened. So, it’s common to ask questions like “what if?”, “why?”, and “what’s the point?” Until the question of “why” can be answered, grieving family and friends may continue to search and ruminate.

After a suicide death, as with any other type of death, the bereaved may seek to make40104085_10214932548741074_8054645890117271552_n sense of what happened.  However, in this instance, they may find that many of their questions are either unanswerable or they lead to distressing conclusions (whether these conclusions are true or not). It is not uncommon for themes of personal blame to arise as the person questions their role in their loved one’s suicide and what they could have done to prevent their death. Unfortunately, the bereaved may vastly overestimate their own role and the role of others (i.e. what family and friends did or didn’t do), as opposed to blaming things like mental illness which is quite often present and to blame.

Whether rational or not, grieving family and friends may struggle with distressing thoughts like…

  • I never really knew him I mean really knew him.
  • She didn’t feel comfortable confiding in me what did I do wrong.
  • Oh no, he was in intense pain!
  • I’m to blame. I should have done more to prevent his death.
  • I’m to blame. I pushed him into the decision to kill himself.
  • She didn’t love me enough to live.
  • My family members are to blame.
  • It was his fault, or it was her fault.
  • Family Conflict

Family can be an incredible source of comfort and healing after a death…for some.  For others, family can be a source of distressing conflict and misunderstanding after a death. Regardless of the circumstances surrounding the death, things like complicated family dynamics, shifting roles, and different coping styles can test and challenge a family. After a suicide death, additional conflict may emerge because…

  • The deceased’s mental illness and suicidal behaviour created disruption and placed strain on the family as a whole.
  • Family members disagree about how they want to acknowledge the death publicly.
  • Family members disagree about how they want to discuss death privately within the family.
  • Different family members come up with different explanations for why their loved one killed him- or herself
  • Blame

Feelings of rejection and abandonment:

Evidence has shown that suicidally bereaved individuals experience higher levels of rejection compared with other bereaved groups. In grief, feelings of guilt, blame, regret, and rejection can be logical, but they can also defy all logic and reason. So even when it’s evident that the suicide was not an act of intentional abandonment, it still may feel that way to the people who grieve the death.

The truth of what it’s like being on the receiving end after they’ve left!

So here it is…This is the truth of being a bereaved parent, brother, sister, aunt, uncle, cousin, grandparent “what it’s like to live life with a deceased suicide family member that you love very dearly because some people “just can’t fathom it”… Well, let me do my best to explain it in a way that can be understood…

It’s being dead but still being able to breathe, barely.

It’s like having your entire world thrown into a blender and mixed up to a liquid. Having your heart and lungs ripped out of your body so violently and never put back. Leaving a hole in your chest that will never heal and seeps pain, tears, anger, hate, and regret.

It’s like living in a dream that you can never wake up from, except it’s a fucking nightmare. A lifelong fucking nightmare.

It’s like having a large glass jar filled with happiness and you drop it on the ground and all the happiness blows away in the wind to never return.

It’s like having a million people around hugging and loving you but you still feel completely images (3)alone. Going from having people to talk with to having not one person message or call anymore because they don’t know what to say to you … at all, about anything…

It’s standing in the kitchen cooking food for the ones still here and crying so hard you can’t see yourself burning the food.

Some days it’s falling to the floor, screaming so hard that no sound comes out and you run out of breath but don’t stop screaming until you are hyperventilating and dizzy.

It’s a million little demons battling one single tiny angel in your brain, testing to see if you’re strong enough or not to survive this.

It’s like always trying to convince yourself that people want you around even though you feel like you’re just a placement for convenience in this world and in people’s lives.

Honestly. It’s like knowing that you’re going to die eventually and embracing it with open arms like a long-lost friend.

It’s like you holding on with everything you have and feel it all melt away.

No, it doesn’t get better. It doesn’t get easier. You just learn to live, to survive.”

The pain is just past on and I believe you have to watch it from the other side when you get there so it just won’t help.

Fear of grief reactions:

After death mourners often feel as though they are going crazy, and, as noted, those who have experienced a traumatic loss often experience intensified and prolonged grief/trauma reactions.

Relief:

It is common for a person to feel relieved after a loved one dies when the loved one had been living in pain and suffering. For those who die from illness, the relief comes from

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knowing they are no longer in physical pain.  And when a person dies from something like suicide or overdose, the relief may come from a place of knowing that their loved one is no longer struggling with emotional (and sometimes physical) pain.

Another reason someone might feel relief is if the loved one’s suicidal behaviour (or other types of behaviour) had put a strain on their family or other types of relationships. This doesn’t mean that the person grieving the loss wouldn’t trade their relief to have their loved one back for just one moment, or that they don’t also feel intense pain and sadness. It just means that relief is one feeling in their big, messy, hurricane of grief.

Feelings of isolation, stigma and/or shame:

Sadly, there is a stigma attached to mental illness and suicide.  Others can’t imagine the mental and emotional pain that would cause a person to kill themselves and so they might make assumptions or judge the deceased’s actions, calling them weak or selfish or who knows what else.

This being the case, it’s no wonder that many people choose not to open up about their loved one’s death.  Stigmatised losses may also be referred to as disenfranchised losses.  The following are just a few potential causes for isolation, stigma, and shame following a suicide death:

Isolation and shame may result in the family’s decision to keep the suicide a secret. Feeling unable to acknowledge the truth, those grieving the loss may feel as though they have to lie or live in silence.

  • Shame may result from thoughts of personal blame and responsibility.
  • Shame may result from the belief that one can’t control or manage their own grief reactions.
  • Isolation and shame may result from a lack of social support or because others don’t acknowledge the death.
  • Shame, isolation, and stigma may be felt in response to messages from media and broader society about suicide
  • Isolation may result from perceived rejection and thoughts of worthlessness.

In this day and age with the way things are now this stigmatising just has to stop and people really need to look at things differently, because from what I can see with the numbers of suicides, the mental health and the anxiety in the world rising so high theirs a bit of a chain reaction going on here!

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Shaun was already struggling with “mental health “ but losing his sister, it became too unbearable for him to acknowledge the truth of it and he was finding it hard to deal with.  Because of how soon it was between Mellissa losing her life and now suddenly Shaun. We the family are trying so hard to collect donations from anyone willing to help towards Shaun’s funeral costs. At the moment it’s impossible for Mom and Dad to pay for two in one year. I’m going to be putting a link in right “here for Shaun” Help raise funds for this unfortunate sad loss of yet another one of the family members. It was very unexpected and a complete shock to the family and we would very much appreciate any help that is possible… Just £1 each could help us to reach our goal and help us give Shaun the send-off  he deserves thank you to everyone for your help xx

As you know Melissa passed last year well, we managed to raise £2000 towards Melissa’s three children’s first Christmas without her and we’d like to thank everyone again that donated as it certainly made a big difference although it will never be the same without their mother thank you.xxx

In the meantime every day find time to talk with someone you don’t know. Listen to their story. Do it in person. Learn from them. Be your brother’s keeper, your sister’s shelter. When a neighbour is in need or a thirsty young mind is denied the challenges and opportunities to grow and flourish, or a sister or brother is crushed by a purposefully flawed criminal justice system that rewards winning rather than justice, find a way to do something about it now.

If you have a teacher or mentor who made a great or even small impact on your life, tell them. Call them, write to them, let them know what a wonderful impact they had on you. Life is too short not to validate the ones who have changed our lives in a profound way. Then there will be no regrets when they pass on because you already told them what was in your heart, and your life will be richer for it in ways that you never dreamed. It’s not about being perfect.

Young people need to know that the things that make you successful at school, like following rules, working the hardest and being perfect, are not what will make you happy outside of school. Follow your instincts, experiment, try things out, talk to people “way out of your professional league,” and keep dreaming big dreams. There is always a way out no matter how bad it seems — that job, that career path, that relationship — trust yourself enough to let it go if it is making you question your self-worth or it isn’t what you want to be remembered for. God bless you all and please take care of you and your loved ones.💚°*”˜.•°*”˜♥ ˜”*°•.˜”*°💚

 

Copyright © 2019  Joanne Wellington All Rights Reserved.

 

If you are grieving a loved one’s death from suicide you may find these resources helpful:

https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/a-to-z/s/suicide

https://www.moodjuice.scot.nhs.uk/Bereavement.asp

https://www.mindwell-leeds.org.uk/myself/feeling-unwell/i-am-experiencing-bereavement-or-loss

https://papyrus-uk.org/dont-avoid-me-just-ask-me/

https://www.thelisteningear.org.uk/facing-grief/bereaved-by-suicide/

#grief #loss #parenting #grieving parents #bereaved#

Emotional Abuse: The abuse no one ever told you about

I find this a very important topic to have a lot more discussion about.   Although we all are raised, and hear all around us, that it is wrong for men to  hit and that is abusive, the topic of emotional/verbal/psychological abuse seems  to be often over looked.  The damage done emotionally can last even longer  than physical abuse, maybe even a life time.

Emotional-AbuseWe always wonder why a woman would tolerate a physically abusive man.   It seems crazy to us…someone hits you – you leave – pretty simple.  What  people commonly don’t know is that physical abusers start as emotional  abusers.  By the time a man becomes physically abusive, he’s torn the woman  down emotionally so bad or for so long, she’s not sure which way is up.  I  know most women think they can spot this guy without any more information and  this goes into the “it would never happen to me” category.  All I can tell  you is I have an engineering degree, held good jobs, always had healthy self esteem, know better than to let a man  treat me bad, and I still woke up one day to find myself in an abusive  situation.

Emotional abuse can be much more complex and devious than just tearing you  down, telling you that you aren’t attractive, stupid, etc.  I’d like to  share a short story with you to better explain how the manipulative emotional  abuser works his ways.

My boyfriend at the time and I planned a long weekend vacation.  I was really excited about going on  vacation with just him and myself.  The day we were set to leave I was  sitting in my boyfriend’s house, with his roommate, waiting on him to get home  so his roommate could drive us to the airport.  I noticed his roommate had  his bags packed and asked where he was going for the weekend.  He looked at  me like I had two heads and said, “I’m going with you guys.” I was shocked,  hurt, and mad my boyfriend hadn’t talked to me about his roommate coming with  us.  I wouldn’t have bought plane tickets if I had known it was a “group” trip.  When my boyfriend got home I pulled him off to the side and calmly  asked him why he hadn’t discussed it with me.  He told me “We discussed it  last Wednesday.  Don’t you remember?  You were sitting right there, he  was sitting here, and I was sitting over there and we all agreed.”  I was  really upset because I still didn’t like the situation and was no longer excited  about the trip, but what was wrong with me that I couldn’t remember the  conversation? It must have been my bad memory that my ex sometimes picked on me  about.  No matter how upset or hurt I was, I only had myself to  blame.  I must have agreed and not remembered.

It wasn’t even until I left him that I realized that conversation with all  three of us never happened and he was just messing with my mind.  It was  always like that.  “I already gave you directions, don’t you  remember?”  “We already talked about this, don’t you remember?”  “I  told you to bring xyz!”  I felt dumber and dumber and dumber in that  relationship.  I thought I had a horrible memory, and sometimes I  can be a little forgetful so I bought right into it.  He made me dependent  because I surely couldn’t depend on myself with how absent minded I had  become!  The entire time I was with him I never questioned it.  He  always put so many details around the lie it never occurred to me that I  couldn’t trust the words of someone telling me that they loved me.  I  couldn’t imagine lying like that and thought abuse was easier to spot, like just  telling someone “you are an idiot”, instead of slowly convincing them that they  were stupid in such a manipulative way.

Your biggest defense against manipulative people and emotional  abusers is to trust yourself no matter what the situation.  Had I  trusted myself and trusted the facts in my head, rather than what he was telling  me was fact, we would have dated around three months instead of ending up  married.  Had I been educated on how emotional abuse really works, I never  would have ended up in that scary situation.

The list below is signs that you may be in an abusive relationship.   It’s a good list to keep in the back of your head for friends, family, or  children too so you can quickly recognize red flags.  This list has been  taken from www.drirene.com:  If you  answer “yes” to more than a few, you may want to take a closer look.

Does your partner:

ignore your feelings?

disrespect  you?

ridicule or insult you then tell you its a joke, or that you have no sense of  humor?

ridicule your beliefs, religion, race, heritage or class?

withhold approval, appreciation or  affection?

give you the silent  treatment?

walk away without answering  you?

criticize you, call you names, yell at  you?

humiliate you privately or in  public?

roll his or her eyes when you  talk?

give you a hard time about socializing with your friends or  family?

make you socialize (and keep up appearances) even when you don’t feel  well?

seem to make sure that what you really  want is exactly what you won’t get?

tell you you are too  sensitive?

hurt you especially when you are  down?

seem energized by fighting, while fighting exhausts  you?

have unpredictable mood swings, alternating from good to bad for no apparent  reason?

present a wonderful face to the world and is well liked by outsiders?

“twist” your words, somehow turning what you said against  you?

try to control decisions, money, even the way you style your hair or wear  your clothes?

complain about how badly you treat him or  her?

threaten to leave, or threaten to throw you  out?

say things that make you feel good, but do things that make you feel bad?

ever left you stranded?

ever threaten to hurt you or your  family?

ever hit or pushed you, even  “accidentally”?

seem to stir up trouble just when you seem to be getting closer to each  other?

abuse something you love: a pet, a child, an object?

compliment you enough to keep you happy, yet criticize you enough to keep you  insecure?

promise to never do something hurtful  again?

harass you about imagined  affairs?

manipulate you with lies and  contradictions?

destroy furniture, punch holes in walls, break appliances?

drive like a  road-rage junkie?

act immature and selfish, yet accuse you of those  behaviors?

question your every move and motive, somehow questioning your  competence?

interrupt you; hear but not really  listen?

make you feel like you can’t win? damned if you do, damned if you don’t?

use drugs and/or alcohol involved? are things worse  then?

incite you to rage, which is “proof” that you are to blame?

try to convince you he or she is “right,” while you are “wrong?”

frequently say things that are later denied or accuse you of  misunderstanding?

treat you like a sex object, or as though sex should be provided on demand  regardless of how you feel?

Your situation is critical if the following applies to  you:

You find yourself walking on eggshells, careful of when and how to say  something.

You long for that softer, more vulnerable part of your partner to emerge.

You find yourself making excuses for your partner’s behavior?

You feel emotionally unsafe.

You feel its somehow not OK to talk with others about your  relationship.

You hope things will change…especially through your love and  understanding.

You find yourself doubting your memory or sense of  reality.   

You doubt your own  judgment.

You doubt your  abilities.

You feel vulnerable and  insecure.

You are becoming increasingly depressed.

You feel increasingly trapped and powerless.

You have been or are afraid of your partner.

Your partner has physically hurt you, even once.

Another great resource is the bookThe Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize it and How to  Respond by Patricia Evans.  It is often quoted as the top book on emotional abuse  and may be helpful for you or someone you know needing to educate his or herself  on emotional abuse.

Remember that abusers are often well liked, intelligent, well respected  people and only mistreating their partners while alone.  If you have  someone in your life, who is in a relationship, and seems to be cutting off  contact with you and other friends, have a heart to heart if you are close  enough.  I know I may not have listened right away, but if I had people I  loved telling me “It’s not okay, ever, that he did this or that.” or “You  deserve a man that acts like this or does that.” or even just shown me that  list, I might have woken up sooner rather than later.

Never forget that your life is your choice.  Only you get to decide what  you will and will not tolerate.  Click  here to purchase Hear my Heels bracelets to remember to keep  going towards the life you deserve.  Please forward this information to all  the women you care about.

20% of profits will go to domestic abuse charities.

Molly  Pennington –    About the Author:

Hear my Heels ~ The sound of you walking away, smiling, towards  something better.I am the owner of Hear my Heels.  Hear my Heels creates  products for anyone who has found or looking to find the strength to go after  everything they deserve in life. We donate 20% of our profits to domestic abuse  charities.  No man, woman, or child deserves to suffer at the hands of an abuser  and it is our mission to remind everyone of their value, strength, and self  worth.

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