Monthly Archives: November 2010

Listening is an essential part of communication,

Listening to the world around you is not often a skill that is consciously practiced. Nevertheless, it is a skill that is definitely worth cultivating. Active and engaged listening can help you to better understand other people, the interactions of society and the world around you. The more you listen, the more you learn.

Listening is an essential part of communication, and it is different from hearing. Being a good and patient listener helps you not only solve many problems at work or home, but also to see the world through the eyes of others, thereby opening your understanding and enhancing your capacity for empathy. In addition, you learn a lot from listening. As simple as listening to and acknowledging other people may seem, doing it well, particularly when disagreements arise, takes sincere effort and lots of practice.

 How to Be a Good Listener

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“Only Thing We Have to Fear Is Fear Itself”:

One of several versions of the painting

Image via Wikipedia

Fear…At some time in our lives, we each experience it – our stomachs are queasy, our hands are clammy, our muscles clench and we seem unable to catch our breath. We may even physically tremble or become immobilized…

Fear immobilizes our ability to make decisions and locks us in a state of insecurity and lack of trust.

Did you know….

  • 18.8 million  adults will suffer from depression this year
  • 2.3 million adults will struggle with Bipolar disorder this year
  • 9.1 million  adults have an anxiety disorder
  • 2.4 million  adults will experience a panic disorder this year
  • 3.3 million  adults will be treated for OCD this year

If you suffer from debilitating fear, you are not alone…the National Institute of Mental Health reports that approximately 1 in every 5 adults suffer with the anguish of a fear-related disorder! These problems will go untreated because most feel too embarrassed to seek help, or just think it’s a simple bout of the “blues.” In  some cases yes but in most cases, that is simply not true!

Agoraphobia, the fear of any situation that might provoke panic attacks, or fear of losing control. Agoraphobia is often accompanied by panic disorder

Fear are phobias that create a physiological response in their sufferers. When someone encounters his/her phobia, he/she will experience what is known as the “fight-or-flight response“. An increase in adrenaline causes one’s heart and breathing to accelerate, muscles tighten and sweat glands to activate, it also triggers a release of stored sugar, increased metabolic rate and inhibited digestion. The “fight-or-flight response” is activated when one feels threatened and is a sort of biological safety mechanism. With phobias, however, this response is irrational and does not serve its original biological purpose to keep humans aware and able to cope with dangerous situations in some cases

Although scientists are not sure as to exactly what causes phobias, many believe that they are caused by a combination of environmental and genetic factors. Phobia can be caused by a traumatic  event if someone almost drowns then they may develop a fear of water ..!

fear of confusion

fear of killers and robbers

fear of panicking

fear of death

fear of clowns

fear of needles

fear of stalkers

fear of love

fear of getting hurt

fear of the future

fear of car accidents

fear of not being happy

fear of being buried alive

fear of losing someone you love

fear of the past coming back

fear of someone not loving you back

fear of disappointing the people you love

fear of hurting the people you love

fear of not knowing what’s going to happen yes it could go on and on..!

An interesting theory is that humans are “biologically prone” to having certain kinds of phobias, such as the fear of snakes, spiders or other potentially poisonous creatures, because those fears may have been crucial to the survival of humans long ago and they remain in our brains to this day

studying phobias has raised several questions in  mind. For instance, if phobias are, at least in part, a hold over from thousands of years ago, why haven’t they disappeared yet? If we can adapt to have phobias to keep us away from danger, can’t we adapt to not have phobias? Or are phobias just a complication that comes along with having a complex biological system, and therefore complex defence  mechanisms?

Another interesting idea is that phobias seem to demonstrate the connection between emotions and the body. One experiences an emotion and then has a physiological response or is it the other way around? In any case, could understanding phobias be a gateway to understanding this mind-body connection further I believe so it makes better sense than having to rely on drugs controlling our body’s  although drugs may help in sever cases and they do in time but  they also help because we believe they do so why not believe that our own mind – body has its own drug hummm?

Fear can condition and train you to believe something that doesn’t even exist. Everyone has the right to break free of those ideas. Every fear can be flipped so it benefits you and drives you to achieve more. By actually acting from a place of fear you can compound that fear or even diminish it. It’s better to approach things from a state of your higher self than ego and fear. Our deepest fear is that we feel inadequate  and playing small in life reinforces that fear. We are all meant to shine, but playing small or safe does not enlighten yourself or the world. You can either conquer your fear today, right now, or be a slave to it for the rest of your life I believe that phobias are learned, and can therefore be unlearned …just take a moment and think about it ‘all actually  comes from frame of our infrastructured  minds..!

Fear is defined as, “an unpleasant feeling of apprehension or distress caused by the presence or anticipation of danger.” But what is the origin of this unpleasant feeling – fear itself?

Written by Joanne Wellington for Mediums World                                            

Copyright © 2010,2015 Joanne Wellington All Rights Reserved.

Master Your Emotions.

Joe makes a comment and you suddenly feel a rush of energy. Your face flushes and your knuckles whiten as you begin squeezing the edge of the table for dear life. Some part of you knows that this feeling is not proportionate to Joe’s comment or intention, but something was triggered in you nonetheless, and you’re ready to bite his head off.

To be effective as a friend, spouse, significant other, coworker, manager, leader, or whatever role you’re playing at the moment, learning to manage your feelings is a critical step toward living a happy, successful, and fulfilled life. And let me just say this up front, managing your feelings doesn’t mean that you stuff them down and repress them. It means that you become aware of what’s going on inside of you, own your feelings as your own, heed the message that they have for you, and act responsibly.

What are emotions and what is emotional mastery? Emotions are often described as energy in motion. They become problems only when we judge them as wrong, bad, or inappropriate. When we let our emotions run us, we miss the message that they carry. When we stuff them down for fear of what they might cause us to do, they simply lie in wait to emerge with a vengeance later on. Emotional mastery is the ability to process our emotions so that we receive their message and use their energy for appropriate action.

Our emotions are very much a reflection of our beliefs about life events. For example, if you believe that you are your work and you suddenly lose your job, you are likely to feel an incredible amount of fear, as you perceive your very survival to be at stake. If you repress this fear, possibly because you view it as a weakness, you’ll probably experience anger or rage and at some point, you will likely lash out at whoever’s available.

If on the other hand, you are a person who views your job simply as one aspect of your life, and you know that your inherent value lies in your unique skills and qualities, then your feelings and response to losing your job will probably be a whole lot different. You may just view this loss as an opportunity to explore a whole new path for yourself.

The bottom line here is this: how you feel in any situation corresponds exactly with what you believe about yourself and the situation. Master your beliefs, and you’ll master your emotions.

Knowing that you can change how you feel simply by changing how you think about each experience is a powerful concept. So if you feel upset about something, ask yourself, “How can I reinterpret this event in a such a way that I can feel good or at least OK about it?” If you have a bill you can’ pay, instead of getting mad or sad about it, decide that this is an opportunity to redesign your financial life. Ask for help, develop a plan, and use your energy to get moving on it.

How you think about your emotions adds even another layer. We often give ourselves a double whammy when we get upset about feeling upset. Here are some positive ways to interpret the purpose of our basic emotions set down by Peter McWilliams in his book, “Do It.”

Fear is the energy to do your best in a new situation.
Guilt is the energy for personal change-it is anger directed toward ourselves, and anger is the energy for change.
Unworthiness keeps us on track–just as we can have anything we want, we can’t have everything we want. So too, we are worthy of anything we want, but we may not be worthy of everything we want.
Hurt feelings are a reminder of how much we care.
So how can you use this information in your life? I suggest that you examine any beliefs you hold around emotions and the situations that trigger them. Begin to cultivate present moment awareness as your emotions arise. Just notice them and look at them, not as good or bad, but simply with curiosity, and with the question, what’s this energy for and how do I choose to use it?

Practice. Begin the practice of observing emotions when they arise and identify any judgments you might have about them. Focus instead on listening to the message they hold for you. Then, if you should be so bold, act on this message by expressing the emotion in a positive fashion.

OK How To Master Your Emotions

The first thing you have to understand in the mastery of your emotions is that each of your emotions are Action Signals that your mind sends to you. So these perceived negative emotions should not be suppressed, rather, you should realize the real message they send out like i said before and take proper corrective action.

Step 1. Identify Your Action Signals

These action signals can be classified broadly into 10 types namely :

Discomfort
Emotional pain / Hurt
Anger
Disappointment
Inadequacy
Frustration
Fear
Overwhelmed
Guilt / Regret
Loneliness
When you experience one or more of these action signals, you should realize that they are sending you a specific message. To gain control of your emotions, you have to listen to these messages and take proper action.

For example, if you feel extremely angry towards something or someone, the message this action signal sends is – One of your important rule or standard has been violated.

If you are beset with Fear , it is a clear signal that you should prepare yourselves to avoid the negative consequences.

Once you have identified the action signals you are experiencing, you move to the next step. That being …

Step 2. Change Your Perception or Procedure
Now that you have identified your action signals, you should either change your perception (style of thinking / your feelings) or change your procedure (behavioral pattern). Doing this will help you to control your emotions better.

Written by Joanne Wellington for Mediums World                                            

 Copyright © 2010,2015 Joanne Wellington All Rights Reserved.

Learning and Growing.

Learning is like rowing upstream: not to advance is to drop back”. – Chinese Proverb

Realize that in every moment or event is a chance to improve and advance our knowledge. The more information we gather, the more we broaden our mind. Learning is an infinite journey. Yet we should never pretend to know everything or to understand what we do not. All this does is limit us, narrows our options, and destroys an opportunity for growth. Always embrace the chance to learn. By opening ourselves up to advice, ideas, or input from others, we allow ourselves to expand our knowledge, skills, and expertise. This is not to say that you need to agree or accept everything or anything at face value, but be open to it. Examine and explore everything with the realization that, regardless of how far you have come, there is still so much more to learn and experience. Emerson wrote, “In every man there is something wherein I may learn, and in that I am his pupil.” This perceptive quote is a tribute to all people and events—that in each one, there is something to gain, discover or take away, sometimes as the pupil and others, as the teacher. This approach will help you experience life at its fullest, increase your options, and foster success.

Each day brings challenges to strengthen our resolve and opportunities to thrive, but we need to reach out for them. Never be discouraged or feel uncomfortable because you do not know something. Adopt that as an opportunity to learn. Ask questions, be inquisitive, and always keep your mind prepared for new ideas or possibilities. Anything you encounter in your daily routine, whether meeting someone new, or collecting information, is a chance to grow and learn. Daniel Bell wrote, “The most important attitude that can be formed is that of the desire to go on learning.” The second we believe we are complete or have reached our potential, there is nowhere to go. The moment you think you know everything, understand you know relatively nothing—knowledge and information are infinite. If we consider ourselves green, we will grow; if we consider ourselves ripe, we will rot. Continually challenge and feed your mind with different ideas and insights.

George Matthew Adams wrote, “You are your greatest investment. The more you store in that mind of yours, the more you enrich your experience, the more people you meet, the more books you read, the more places you visit, the greater is that investment in all that you are. Everything that you add to our peace of mind, and to your outlook upon life, is added capital that no one but yourself can dissipate.”

Knowledge is omnipresent, all around us to gather and share. Lord Chesterfield wrote, “There is hardly any place or any company where you may not gain knowledge.” A great conversation is one that is equality balanced. Similar to a tennis match, it is a balanced exchange of ideas and information, sincere listening and giving—not a fencing match. Learn the power in being the pupil; one who seeks to learn and understand. When at school, spend some one-on-one time with the professors. Take advantage of their office hours to collect invaluable insight into a subject. Inquire about a topic and gain a more in-depth understanding. At work, find someone who specializes in a different field of interest and initiate conversations. In essence, make an opportunity to learn something new every day. Family or friends hold an abundance of interesting facts, stories, and events that can enliven our minds and nourish our intellect. Imagine what could be accomplished with just an hour a day on a topic or subject.

Never develop a negative attitude or allow life to become redundant. Learn to challenge yourself daily and be open to new thoughts or discoveries. Find the power in even the smallest things. Life is extraordinary, if you work at it. Clutch onto the myriad of opportunities that are around us. Create a mindset to look for something interesting or informative daily. Learn a new subject, a language, or skill. Spend time reading about an issue or studying an interesting topic. Visit the library where you can get books, music, DVDs or books on tape to listen to in the car. With so much to achieve in the world, never allow yourself to become narrow minded or bogged down with excuses. Be receptive to others; for there is power in perception and amazing opportunity. Keep moving forward and take in everything you can. Momentum is vital in becoming stronger, smarter, and accomplishing your goals. Always learning and growing is an attitude—a forceful approach and mature outlook for conquering life, not being conquered by it.

Written by Joanne Wellington for Mediums World                                            

Copyright © 2010,2015 Joanne Wellington All Rights Reserved.

Is He/She Abusive?-  You’re not Crazy. Learn the disease. Stop the abuse.

Are you being abused? You may not know how to tell, but even worse, you may be thinking that you are the crazy one. Abusers work hard to distort our reality to make their reality feel safer.

So what is abuse? Is it someone who hits you  emotionally or mentaly  hurts you  to get what they want? Sometimes, mostly not! Ask yourself this: does your partner hurt you repeatedly in any of those ways? Does he or she do it to satisfy their own emotional needs, or because they’re out of control? Does she or he use the situation to lock you in so you have to tolerate it, or make a huge sacrifice to get away? If you see this dynamic in your relationship, you are being abused. The hurt of abuse can come in many ways, including physical attacks ,mental attacks, verbal attacks, sexual attacks, , or contact with friends and family.

 You’re not Crazy

For many of us, struggling to live with this kind of abusive partner, the first handhold we need to grasp is that we are not crazy. Abusive behaviour isn’t normal. It is caused by an underlying disorder. Most often, the disorders are borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, or sociopath – technically called antisocial personality disorder. People who suffer from these disorders have extreme emotions, which lead them to actions that can range from puzzling to brutal. Living with them is painful and confusing. Personality disorders are aptly named, because the minds of people who suffer from these disorders work differently than healthy people.

They Spin our Reality: Disordered people can’t deal with the reality of their behaviours. On some level they realize how hurtful they are, yet accepting this major flaw in themselves is just too painful. So disordered abusers spin our reality to make theirs less painful. One of the most common defense mechanism they use is projection. In projection, a characteristic of themselves that they find just too painful to accept is projected onto us. And the most frequently projected characteristic is mental illness. “I’m not a narcissist. You’re the crazy one.” Another common and difficult defense mechanism is blame shifting. It’s your fault this happened because blah, blah blah blah…

After a while it becomes hard to distinguish what is real from what is being projected and what is being distorted. We begin to doubt our reality and question whether we’re the crazy ones, or whether our disordered SO’s (significant others) are really right about what they say.

The truth is, THEY’RE NOT RIGHT. But they feel better when they can get us to carry the burden of their illness and their behavior.

What’s more, disordered people hide their problems very effectively. People with all of these personality disorders – narcissistic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, and antisocial personality disorder – have serious maladjustments in coping with life. Thus, they live in emotional turmoil. They seek to present a very together appearance, hiding their disease from most people. It is only when we get into a close and private relationship with someone  else these personality disorders that the abusive behaviour comes out. And because their lives are wracked with emotional turmoil, there is a lot of pent-up emotion that can be focused on us. Yet those around us don’t see it, causing us further confusion and pain.

Dealing with this situation is complex, and people need some idea of how bad it could get ” For most people, there are important obligations that have to be carefully thought about to move away. Because abuse is so damaging significant decisions have to be faced to be resolvedin an evan manner. Because abusive partners constantly work to distort our perception of what is happening and what is right and wrong, until we doubt our own judgment so much we can’t make decisions the process of detaching to find safe space and to regain a sense of right and wrong, and searching to understand what we, as people, need in our lives can become very difficult.

Those who need it the most – the traumatized victims – are locked out by the jargon and the lack of practical advice. Recently, survivors and victims have taken matters into their own hands and have published their own books, replete with first hand experiences and tips.

It has to be known that Healing is not easy and will take time No matter the outcome. if getting professional help is Not a financial option, there are many web sites that can assist with self help. local libraries Have books that can also assist on the journey to healing.

Written by Joanne Wellington for Mediums World                                            

Copyright © 2010,2015 Joanne Wellington All Rights Reserved.

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